Columns – Luke's World
Luke is a gay man who trained as a psychologist. He describes himself as either a cynic who believes in love or a romantic who is deeply wary.
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Luke's World
The line between trusting friend and gullible idiot
Do you sometimes feel you’re just too trusting? No this is not a trick question, I really do wonder if I was born with a gene which makes me gullible and naïve. When someone tells me they will meet me at a club at ten, and they arrive an hour later, I really believe they were hijacked but managed to escape by throwing themselves out of the car, miraculously unscathed.
Or they say: “You look amazing in that outfit” and you later find tour buses stopping in the street to take pictures of you. There are more scary stories (I AM wearing a condom, that wig does suit you, of course bald spots are in this season) but I don’t really want to frighten my younger readers.
Luke's World
Friends with benefits - no strings or no stings?
Why is that a “friends with benefits” arrangement often ends in tears? You think you have a clear arrangement – you meet for occasional (or regular) sex with no strings attached (I accidentally wrote “no stings attached” but more of that later!) and it’s a win-win situation. Well that’s the theory, but in practice what happens is that it often gets messy and complicated.
Luke's World
The queen with two faces
Have you ever dated someone who seemed to have multiple personalities? I don’t mean someone with the actual psychiatric diagnosis. The image which comes to mind is of the beauty queen smilingly talking of her desire to devote her reign to young people (because they are the future – duh, they’re not going to be the past, dearie) but goes backstage and sabotages her fellow contestant’s outfit. Sweet and loving on the outside, they seem to become a different person when the chips are down, or when their guard drops.
Luke's World
Settling down (Gasp!)
Have you ever reflected on key transition points in your life? I’m not talking about the time you moved from gym Barbie to club Barbie when you were seven (oh alright I know not all gay men did the doll thing, it’s a joke okay?).
And I’m also not talking about the time you decided the circuit at gym wasn’t going to make that buff body you always dreamed of and so you asked Craig the personal trainer to take you in hand, as it were.
Luke's World
A mixed and mixed up community
Are gay and lesbian film festivals still necessary in 2008? I attended one recently and was struck by the incredible diversity of the opening night audience.
We were a motley bunch of all races, colours, shapes, sizes and persuasions. An elegantly put together air hostess stood out in her powder blue 50s outfit, topped with a jaunty pillbox hat. What was really striking about her was her height – at 1.85 metres she would stand taller than most overhead compartments (actually most planes) and struggle to offer us “chicken or beef”.
So yes, the drag contingent was there, some intentional, while others just adopted a hit or miss approach to gender presentation. I spotted a trans man of my acquaintance and he’s looking amazingly butch right now – I swear I want some of those testosterone shots he’s been getting.
Luke's World
The Parenting Closet
There’s a new closet among gay men today – it’s the parenting closet.
Now I’ve had a few boyfriends in my time who’ve seemed like babies – they have had to be fed, washed, clothed and looked after in ways which are alarmingly similar to parenting an infant.
Of course, my wiser and more insightful friends have suggested that I have a daddy/son thing going on (and this isn’t about age, by the way. I’ve parented men very near my age) and I need to be the boss in my relationships.
I will concede this is a possibility – and that some kind of complementary thing is going on (I need a son, they need a dad).
The problem with these kinds of relationships, of course, is that sons grow up and the deal only works while each party sticks to his role. And the more I understand these dynamics, the less inclined I am to seek out men who need parenting (with, I will admit, a few relapses along the way – hey I’m human!).
No, what I’m really talking about is the desire to (a) adopt a baby or (b) to have one in the “natural” way with a willing, often lesbian, friend or (c) to find a surrogate mother who would be willing to lend her womb, as it were, to the man or men concerned.
Luke's World
Good manners for gay men
I wrote recently about being “love’s executioner” – I had, I guess, burst the bubble of fantasy and hope when I met in person a guy who’d approached me online - and told him (and showed him) that I was just ordinary old me. Not the fabulous, handsome, all loving, all giving, never disappointing sex machine he had built me up to be.
Luke's World
Guide to the internet for the not-yet misanthropic
Gosh I had such an interesting experience recently – I got to meet someone I had met through the internet!
Yes the sarcasm is deliberate. I’m just so tired of men flirting and chatting and texting, but all the excitement is in the chase and not in the kill. I now am convinced that about 80% of the men who use the internet are not really serious about finding a partner – it’s just a game to them.
The real challenge for those of us who are serious, and who are reasonably intact psychologically, is to “do” the internet with hope and sincerity while not becoming completely misanthropic.
Luke's World
Why do we sabotage ourselves?
Why do we sabotage ourselves sometimes? You know what I mean - playing down our assets in our profile because we don’t want to “intimidate” men out there, having a mild flirtation with a really nice guy, then backing away from meeting them, or actually meeting someone, really fancying them, and then never contacting them again because “it would probably never have worked anyway”.
Luke's World
Humans with hearts and souls and not just penises and butts
I promised myself when I started this column that I wouldn’t write about race in a direct way; rather that I would allow my stories to talk about race in a natural and flowing way, seeing it as incidental to the larger narrative.
© 2008. All About Love Online Publishing
