Columns – The Greatest Contraceptive in the World
Karen Jeynes is a 26-year-old writer with an unfortunate tendency towards comedy. Her plays include "Laying Blame", "Sky too big", "Don’t Mention Sex", "Kiss Kiss", "I’ll have what she’s having", “Go Home Affairs" and the multi award-winning “Everybody Else (is Fucking Perfect)".
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The Greatest Contraceptive in the World
Having Kittens
This is going to get gross. If you thought the last one was gross, you were wrong. If you have a weak stomach, or are delicate about discussing private parts, well, what the hell are you doing here anyway?
The Greatest Contraceptive in the World
A little too close for comfort
CAUTION: Fainthearted readers, please skip the first paragraph.
So, to cut a long story short, I was watching a birthing video the other day (PLEASE don’t ask!), and this insane woman had her entire family present while she gave birth in a paddling pool at home.
The Greatest Contraceptive in the World
Making Babies
I’m going to depart from my usual tone this time, to talk about making babies. Not physically, but emotionally. Bear with me here!
The Greatest Contraceptive in the World
Doing the Dirty
We’ve all heard the stories about those poor unfortunate souls who walked in on their parents doing the dirty, and were scarred for life.
We really don’t like to acknowledge that our parents had sex – at least not more than the amount of times it took to make us and all our siblings. Good, old fashioned procreation – but not, God forbid, recreation!
The Greatest Contraceptive in the World
Forbidden Fumblings
What is it about coveting what we can’t have? Honestly, during prohibition in the US, alcohol sales increased.
Only when the government finally realised that all they were doing was making the mafia rich, did they repeal those laws. What if I told you that the government was about to outlaw jelly babies…you’re already thinking about jelly babies, aren’t you?
You’re wondering whether you should just pop down to the corner shop quickly and buy some, before this law gets passed and they are banned. In fact, maybe you should stock up on some of those bulk packs. Mmmm, jelly babies.
The Greatest Contraceptive in the World
A new curriculum?
I think it’s time that our schools seriously reconsidered the life skills curriculum. When do they ever give you advice on the absolute essentials? For example, consider the situation my friend Kath was faced with last week.
What do you do when your six-year-old walks into the lounge clutching your vibrator, exclaiming: “Hey mom, look at this cool shaker I found. You just twist it around like this.”
The Greatest Contraceptive in the World
Baby, I’m just not in the mood
When you are single, or married-without-children, finding excuses not to have sex is arduous.
“I’ve got a headache” always sounds like a lie, even if your head feels like the inside of a djembe. The tried and tested snoring routine is possible – but once a friend was faking it (oh yes, we fake more than just orgasms) when she felt an unavoidable urge to go the loo. She had to weigh the options up in her mind: burst my bladder; break my cover. Burst my bladder; break my…
In the end, well, when you gotta go you gotta go, so she went and then he came.
The Greatest Contraceptive in the World
Three in the bed
One of my favourite quotes ever is from Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps, the cult British comedy. “And then she said: ‘Do you think this bed is big enough for three of us?’ and I thought ‘SCENE’! And then she told me she was preggers.”
The Greatest Contraceptive in the World
To suck or not to suck?
I have two nipple horror stories. I save them for particularly dull dinner parties when I want to horrify all those present. Especially the men.
The Greatest Contraceptive in the World
The Curse of the Yummy Mummies
I stifle a scream as I stare at yet another tabloid feature on the incredible post-birth slimdowns of Nicole Ritchie, J Lo and their ilk. While these women have certainly “brought sexy back” to motherhood, they have also created ludicrous standards for ordinary women.
