Are secrets okay in intimate relationships?

Dear Gabriel

I have kept a secret from my lover. If you don’t reveal everything in an intimate relationship, does that pose a danger to the relationship? When I was last at a conference a very attractive published writer saw me to my room late at night and then said: “Would you like me to leave?” Although I sent him away I have not mentioned it because I know it would worry him and he would be jealous.

Estelle

Dear Estelle

There are secrets and there are secrets. Not telling your partner you gave a baby up for adoption as a 14 year old is a secret. Not telling your partner an attractive man expressed an interest in you is common sense! Of course if you and your lover have an agreement to deal with temptation by talking about it, or you find the idea of each other being lusted after by others spices up your sex life, that’s another matter entirely.

But in my view it’s judicious to be strategic and wise about what you tell your partner. If nothing untoward happened, what is the secret? A light flirtation, the interest of an attractive man, these things don’t have to mean anything sinister or signal the end of trust.

My instinct suggests you find the idea of another man, other than your lover, being attractive to you, a bit unsettling. It’s completely okay to find others attractive – you don’t have to act on these feelings. So I’d say let this go and learn from it. You did nothing wrong!