Being diplomatic

Hi Gabriel

In my latest attempt at writing a novel I’ve had the idea of locating it in the world of the diplomatic corps (of course if it was a thriller it would be a diplomatic corpse but that’s another book). I think this will give me an opportunity to explore the challenges of long distance relationships – some of my friends don’t believe they can work – and the challenges they face. So I’d like to ask you if you think these relationships can work and what particular challenges they might face?

Many thanks

Marlene

Hullo Marlene

I really love the idea of a diplomatic corpse and, being the lateral minded shrink that I am, it makes me think of a corpse that doesn’t make too much of a fuss! Or someone who commits suicide in a clean and thoughtful way (not that I think suicide is funny as I have experienced the loss of a dear friend in that way this year – but hey laughter and pain are often very closely linked in us don’t you think?) or a corpse that yields no surprises in the autopsy.

But I digress. I do think long distance relationships can work but many factors come into play. I think the length of the relationship prior to the separation is critical – a well established couple would probably handle this better than a new one if they have worked each other out and established a pattern that works for them. Even better, if they’ve been able to agree on things like monogamy, flirtation, independence, separate or joint pursuits and so on, they start on a good footing. Good communication really goes a long way.

Then there’s the maturity of the individuals in the relationship and their ability to be self soothing, to find support from friends, to trust their partner, to see the bigger picture. If the separation is finite I also believe it’s easier to handle than an indefinite or uncertain separation.

Planned conjugal visits, using technology like Skype and being really truthful and honest with each other also go a long way to making these kinds of arrangements work. Of course there are challenges: loneliness, sexual frustration, a lack of intimacy, temptations from others, the possibility of a slow drifting apart (continental drift?) are all potential obstacles. And of course if there are children and schools and such in the picture then the “wife”, if she is the one left behind as it were, could become resentful.

I have written “wife” in quotes because of course this could be a same sex couple, with or without children, who have separated from each other. This could bring unique challenges but in the end, it’s about two people in a unique set up needing to work things out.

So good luck with your novel – and thanks for raising a useful and important issue.

All the best

Gabriel