Bonded for life?

Dear Gabriel

I want to write about sibling rivalry in a large Catholic family – in a way it is autobiographical – and I was wondering what your thoughts were on the topic. Does it wane with age and sort of burn out or do the battle lines remain drawn even in older age? Why are children sometimes so combative?

Many thanks

Giovanni

Hi Giovanni

Well first off I think this is a great subject for a book – sibling rivalry is probably built into the human condition and most readers will be able to identify with some form of it. If there is more than one child in a family then the chances are pretty good that there will be some competition.

I would like to refer you to a fascinating book on this subject written by psychologist Dorothy Rowe called “My dearest enemy, my dangerous friend: making and breaking sibling bonds”. The book sets out a number of themes or “truths” about siblings which Rowe believes are enduring about all things sibling.

Firstly, sibling relationships are about being validated or invalidated as a person (and the deeper root of this is the desire we all share to survive as a human being in the turmoil of family life). Secondly, there is a variety of ways in which we attach or bond to our siblings. Thirdly, to earn our parents’ attention and love we have to compete with our siblings over who is “goodest” of us all. Fourthly, wherever there are groups of people there is a power struggle – in sibling relationships this often manifests as a competition over who is goodest but also who has power over the other.

Fifthly, siblings play a crucial and unique role in our lives so if, for example, a sibling dies we experience a loss which is different from, but as important as, the loss of a parent. Sixthly, sibling differences are not resolved in childhood: in adulthood, Rowe says, siblings battle over who has the most truthful, accurate memory of their shared past and each sibling constructs a memory which best maintains their sense of being a person. And lastly because sibling relationships may veer between loyalty and betrayal, reconciliation between siblings can only be achieved (and this is invariably imperfect) if mutual trust can be built between them.

At the risk of flogging a dead horse I’d like also to share a quote from Simone de Beauvoir in Rowe’s book:

“Here is a photograph of mama holding a baby in her arms who isn’t me. I am wearing a pleated skirt and tam-o’-shanter; I am two and a half, and my sister has just been born. I was, it appears, very jealous, but not for long. As far back as I can remember, I was always proud of being the elder: of being first. Disguised as Little Red Riding Hood and carrying a basket of goodies, I felt myself to be much more interesting than an infant bundled up in a cradle. I had a little sister: that doll-like creature didn’t have me.”

Isn’t that fabulous? All the issues are there: rivalry, reframing, denial of the other, subterfuge, egocentricism, survival at all costs. So yes, I think sibling relationships in all their complexity last for a lifetime. Of course they change, and this needs to be worked at if this change is to be positive, but their ebb and flow is what will make your book exciting and interesting to read.

All the best

Gabriel

If you want to ask Gabriel a question about your fictional character please contact him on