Breaking relationship patterns for a character

Dear Gabriel
What makes some people choose exactly the same kind of disastrous person over and over again? I’ve got a character who I want to break out of a pattern like this. But I think I should understand what would make her do this, before I can understand how to get her out of it. For example, she chooses men who are controlling, shout at her and tell her she’s stupid.
Andrea

Dear Andrea
Generally our life choices are shaped by our upbringing and the way we have been influenced and patterned by the past, especially our relationship with our parents. Of course we are not necessarily a slave to the past, and change is possible, but it needs to start with insight. We often need to understand where our feelings, needs and reactions come from before we can work on them.

In the case of a character who chooses men who control and belittle her, one possibility is that she had a parent who treated her in that way and she has learned to believe that she is indeed unworthy and incapable of running her own life. So she is compelled to repeat the relationship templates she has come to know, unless she has a transformative experience which can shift her consciousness and, ultimately, her actions.

If you want ideas for your character’s motivations contact Gabriel at