Do you speak the same love language?

Dear Jo

My wife keeps on nagging me to give her compliments or to tell her that I love her. We’ve been married for 11 years now – why doesn’t she realise that I would never have stuck around for so long if I didn’t love her? I’ve always believed that actions speak louder than words, and so I wash her car every Saturday – if that is not a clear message that I care about her, I don’t know! But instead of appreciating it she always complains that all I’m concerned about is cleaning the cars. She just doesn’t understand me.

Roger

Dear Roger

It seems you and your wife have different love languages. These are the languages we use to give and receive love.

In the same way that some of us can speak more than one language, some people are multilingual in love languages. Three examples of love languages are physical touch, gifts and quality time.

Another love language is verbal compliments, and it sounds like that might be your wife’s mother tongue. That’s why she’d like you to tell her how beautiful she is or what a great job she’s doing with your children. For some people, it’s really important to hear the words “I love you”, because it gives them a reassurance that actions never can.

A fifth love language is doing things for people we love. It sounds like that would probably be your mother tongue. You feel that you’re washing her car, doing the gardening and fixing things around the house to show that you love her – and you also feel they’re much more meaningful than words.

Have you ever explained to her that, through these things, you’re trying to tell her that you love her without using words? You see, we often believe that if our partner really loved us, they would automatically know what we’re trying to communicate to them. But they’re different from us, so we need to tell them what goes on in our minds and hearts – otherwise they’ll assume things (and we all know what that does!)

The challenge for all of us is to start realising that we need to educate our partners about ourselves, our needs and expectations. You need to explain that washing her car is your way of saying, “I love you”. This will help her recognise it and appreciate it for what it is. That might help her feel more reassured.

Also, if she realises that you believe actions speak louder than words, she might learn to show her love through your language sometimes – and that might make you feel more loved! If you also understand that she’s different, and that it’s really important for her to hear those magic words, you might learn to use her love language. In this way you both win for the relationship, instead of proving who’s right and who’s wrong!

Good luck – new ways of doing things are sometimes quite difficult, but they’re exactly the things that can enhance your relationship. Eventually you’ll realise that doing things that don’t come naturally will actually enrich you as a person as well as your relationship.

*Johanri’s response was based on The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman

Imago Relationship Therapy is based on the book Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix

Read more about Johanri Engelbrecht and Imago Relationship Therapy