Does it mean he doesn’t love me?

Dear Gabriel,

Why do you think men never seem able to say I love you? Every day I tell my boyfriend that I love him. And he always seems to like it. But he never says anything. So then I ask him and he gets really impatient. He says he doesn’t need to keep saying so and that if something changes, he’ll tell me. I don’t really think that’s fair. What do you think? And does it mean he doesn’t love me, deep down?

Molly

Dear Molly

I’m tempted to say that what’s going on here is evidence of the so-called gender divide – women need to talk about their feelings and men are happy to act on them. So from his perspective, he’s with you, he’s not going anywhere, surely that speaks for itself? And he may be thinking, if it’s not broken, don’t fix it. And there’s some truth in this. But I also think men are not passive victims of their gender wiring, they have control and can make decisions. And believe it or not, we do have feelings, it’s just thatwe’re often not socialised to show them. If it’s really really important for you that he says “I love you”, tell him how important it is. But it may be pushing him into new frontiers – is this what you want? Is it what he wants?

I’m also wondering if you are feeling a teensy bit insecure, Molly. You also need to think about why you need reassurance when he’s said he will tell you if anything changes. So your homework is to explore this need with a close friend who knows you well – it may be much more effective to be less needy and force him to reach out to you sometimes. Who knows, deep down he might have his own insecurities which he’ll share with you someday.