Doing the Dirty

We’ve all heard the stories about those poor unfortunate souls who walked in on their parents doing the dirty, and were scarred for life.

We really don’t like to acknowledge that our parents had sex – at least not more than the amount of times it took to make us and all our siblings. Good, old fashioned procreation – but not, God forbid, recreation!

We’ve also all heard the stories about those even more unfortunate souls whose parents walked in on them doing the dirty – I have two favourites here: a guy friend of mine inadvertently admitted his mom had caught him masturbating, and then did his damnedest to pretend he’d just made it up, and another friend who swore she was just flicking through channels, alighted on porn and had a “how do they GET that camera angle moment” when she heard a door clicking politely closed behind her. Mmm hmm, sure, I buy those stories.

But what about the poor people who are caught doing the dirty by their kids? What options do you have?

1. The “just keep still” option
Somehow, we seem to believe that maybe, just maybe, children are like tyrranosaurus rex and can only see things when they move! If we just keep still long enough, they’ll go away…

2. The “act casual” option
“Frankly,” my friend Sue said, “our sex is hardly aerobic, so all Luke really saw was mom and dad in bed together in the middle of the day. Joe was a bit sweaty, so I just told Luke Daddy wasn’t feeling so good and mom was just looking after him.” Nothing scares children off quicker than needy parents!

3. The “it’s only natural” option
Hippy friend Belinda believes that children shouldn’t be taught that sex is anything to be ashamed of. In fact, Belinda, I apologise here and now for using the phrase “doing the dirty” so often in this column. I promise I’m only doing it to piss you off. Now, Belinda doesn’t condone or encourage parents to purposefully have sex in front of their kids (so don’t call the cops on her, please!) but when the occasion arises, so to speak, she just says “I’m loving daddy, I’ll be done in a minute.”

And, all too often, she is.