Fringe benefits

Dear Gabriel

I’m interested in writing a piece about contemporary sexuality – and the many ways in which people form different kinds of unions. I’m not sure if you agree with me but my sense is that open relationships, long term unions which don’t involve marriage, single parenthood and non-sexual relationships are more common than ever. More specifically, I’m interested in the concept of ex partners continuing to have sexual intimacy but agreeing to see other partners. Do these “friends with benefits” arrangements work or are they inevitably doomed?

Best wishes

Stevie

Dear Stevie

This is a great question – as a gay psychologist I’m passionately interested in sexuality and what floats our various boats, as it were. A historical perspective on sex and sexuality suggests that while certain arrangements and practices might have been frowned upon or uncommon, variation, experimentation and transgression are built into the human condition. While there are people who may be asexual or sexually avoidant for a range of complex reasons, most of us like and want sex, and it’s not always the missionary position being practised by a man and a woman.

And yes there is more tolerance today for some of the variations you describe, but I have also observed that as the restrictions of “normality” shift, so is there a corresponding response from some sectors of society towards conservative and narrow definitions of what is acceptable.

As for “friends with benefits” arrangements, well they can work, but in my view they have a sell by date. When do they work? When both parties accept that they do not own each other, when they are able to separate feelings from actions, when the focus is on mutual sexual satisfaction in a pragmatic way, when they can be honest about what they want, when they accept that the original relationship could not work, and when they realise that there may come a time when they should move on.

When do they not work? Well of course jealousy and possessiveness can creep in and when either or both parties feel the other person should not see anyone else, trouble looms. Failing to “ringfence” emotions and investing the encounters with romantic over and undertones is asking for trouble. And trying to hold your friend to the same standards of disclosure and obligation as a “real” relationship, unless these have been negotiated, is a no no.

Look these arrangements are not easy – I’ve always said that a good open relationship is as much hard work as a good closed one, both require levels of honesty and commitment to a shared ideal. So good luck with your piece, remember to look at the bigger picture and never ever judge human sexuality, it is what it is.

Best wishes

Gabriel  

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