From lust to languor

Hi Gabriel

In my novel, my character finds the quirks of a man fascinating and attractive. They form a relationship, but I want her then to become irritated and finally repelled by those same things that attracted her. I think it quite often happens in real life.  But what causes us to be attracted to something and, when it becomes familiar, repelled by it?

Thanks

Asha

Hi there Asha

This is curious isn’t it? And it’s what makes human relationships so fascinating and interesting to write about – the fact that they are complex and ambivalent and unpredictable. Well of course psychologists would argue that at least some of our behaviour is predictable – this being the basis for our profession. We look for the roots of behaviour in childhood events and life experiences and we can often see patterns of these same behaviours across a range of relationships and life occurrences (for example, seeking partners who consistently dominate us or who need rescuing).

Even the apparent illogicality of being repelled by the same qualities that once attracted us represents a kind of pattern. For example we might consistently overlook aspects of partners that disturb us because we are desperate to copy the settled and placid relationship our parents had. This desperation could lead to a suppression of doubts and uncertainties of a new partner.

Some of us are poor judges of character, because our mum and dad consistently undermined our intuition and made us doubt our instincts. We then struggle to make good relationship choices – regularly finding ourselves in situations where we do not listen to the inner voices of doubt and wariness.

Perhaps, if your character has led a very sheltered life, protected from life opportunities and risks by over protective circumstances, she might be really excited by a man who seems confident, outgoing and quirky. And like most relationships, as they progress from infatuation through to the daily routines of a longer term set up, reality sets in and the scales fall from our eyes.

I suppose the most obvious explanation is that we just get bored easily and we need our partners to change and grow and commit to self development so that we stay interested in them. Also as we age, we may find certain qualities which were thrilling at 25 (getting drunk and outrageous at parties) simply tedious at 50 (“oh heavens not that routine again”).

So, many possibilities, many explanations, and no one right answer. For the reader, watching and experiencing the transition from lust to languor can be intriguing so keep the detail and you’ll keep the reader!

All the best

Gabriel