Good manners for gay men

I wrote recently about being “love’s executioner” – I had, I guess, burst the bubble of fantasy and hope when I met in person a guy who’d approached me online - and told him (and showed him) that I was just ordinary old me. Not the fabulous, handsome, all loving, all giving, never disappointing sex machine he had built me up to be.

My critics would say that perhaps I am just too cynical and who wouldn’t be put off by that? My fans, both of them, would counter that I had done the dude a kindness, potentially saving him from a lifetime of desperate dates and dud boyfriends. Well whatever the truth, I am a tad disappointed that my prediction was spot on – not a peep, not a text message, not even a “smiley” to say he’s okay and alive. Damn, I hate being right.

So my question today goes back to the issue of etiquette, an issue which you, the avid reader, will have noticed is a bit of a preoccupation of mine. How is it that lust, jealousy, fear, disappointment – and a host of other feelings – always seem to trump politeness?

Of course there’s rudeness, bad manners, crappy parenting and psychopathology which also weigh in as reasons for bad form. But the bottom line is that I think politeness and good manners seem such a logical way to run our lives.

So for your delight, and to help you become a better, higher being who also gets to have good sex, good relationships and, most importantly, a good reputation, I have compiled a brief guide to good manners for gay men. Some of these are based on my own experiences, some are from “friends” (yeah right).

When dumping someone because you have decided, after pursuing them, and having sex with them, that you wish to pursue a heterosexual lifestyle, it’s always polite at least to tell them you are disappearing into white picket fence land.

I am still thrilled that, well, I will call him Robert, sent me a text message saying: “I have decided to give up gay life, please don’t ever contact me again”. At least he took the time to compose a message and send it off. What a well brought up man! There are so few of them anymore.

By the way I did try to put a spin on it – after me no other man would do, kind of thing. But I have to admit it was an ouch moment. And the sex was good, so I’m convinced he wasn’t faking it.

Talking of good sex, when you’ve had it with someone, it’s polite to tell them that it was good, rather than rolling over (assuming it was in a bed) and having a power nap. No I really think a “thank you, that was amazing” is the way to go. Taking them out to dinner afterwards is also great way to say thanks, but I think a letter and an announcement in a gay newspaper might just be slightly over the top.

When having sex with a complete stranger at a sex club, a stranger whose face and name may never be known to you, it’s polite to wear a condom – yes I have come to the conclusion that safer sex is polite sex. So a corollary of this is that it’s polite not to give someone HIV, polite not to give them an STI and polite not to carry on when you know the condom has slipped off. Of course it’s also advisable not to wait for someone to be polite and if you’re being polite to yourself, wear a condom dammit (or get them to wear one).

When having sex with a complete stranger at a sex club (do I sound sex starved?), it’s polite to give them your phone number when they ask for it – even if you know you have no intention of ever using the number and you know they only want your number because they were raised to believe in love and happy-ever-after, even if this love starts in a sex club.

When loading a picture of yourself on your dating profile, it’s polite to choose (a) a picture of you as opposed to the model you culled from another website (b) a recent picture of yourself, rather than the one you took twenty years ago when you had hair (c) a picture that isn’t so pixelated that it lends new meaning to the word grainy and (d) a picture that looks like you actually want to meet someone, You know, the smiling one? Not the Crime and Investigation channel shot.

So yes, it is cool to be polite – and I hope to make it cooler. Politeness makes the world tick. We’re all in this together, people, so let’s work together and let’s talk.