Hard-ons and log-ons

Have you noticed how some guys on these dating sites seem to have huge gaps between log-ons? I’ve just noticed how dangerously close the term “log on” is to “hard on” and it makes you think doesn’t it? Perhaps it’s sex (as opposed to that other great mystery, love) that drives our dating habits – and when we haven’t been getting any for a while we lapse into a kind of sexual coma, occasionally being stirred to action by a concerned friend (“Get some action already,” they shout at us) or the spring sap rising.

I know, loyal reader, that this is going to be hard to believe but I myself have had some of these comas, saying: “Stuff this I’m just giving up on dating for a while.” In fact I’ve just had one of these episodes – where I gave myself a break of about two months – when I just couldn’t be bothered about checking my profile, or anyone else’s for that matter. Look, if I have to be absolutely honest, I would have to say that if someone had indicated interest in my profile I would probably have checked them out. There, it’s popped out like a hernia, the truth. And it’s that the coma is not about me, but about them. Oh I say I’m choosing a dignified withdrawal from dating but the truth is that there are just no damn nibbles on my bait.

Oh and all the second guessing that goes with this! What did I say about myself that could possibly be putting people off? Maybe they just don’t know quality when it slaps them in the face. Would a studio photograph help? Perhaps I should just tweak my profile. Maybe add some profiles to my favourites. Even, and this is the riskiest of them all, send a message to some gorgeous man who wouldn’t look twice at me in a club or a bar (don’t even get me started on self esteem ok?), just for the hell of it. Oh we can torture ourselves can’t we? As our fingers start twitching to phone our shrinks or a best friend for a bitching session (men: just don’t get ‘em).

But I do wonder what goes on in the minds of these guys who are only logging on occasionally. Should they be forced to hand in their dating licences because they obviously aren’t serious about dating – and it is a serious business don’t you think? Do they have busy social lives and internet dating is just a kind of “top up” for them, the cherry on the top as it were (hmmm, that sounds like a sexual position I haven’t tried)? Or is it that they bounce between hope and despair, wondering if it’s all worth it and just as they are about to give up, there’s a nibble and they’re hooked again? That’s certainly true for me – my dating hiatus was about a general feeling that this whole internet thing just wasn’t working for me. I couldn’t even bring myself to go to any sites and I, sob, just kinda gave up.

But then hope sprang up, spring arrived, a good gym workout convinced me my body was fabulous (enough) after all, and I got really horny again. Ooh this is fun I thought, as I found new profiles to drool over, laughed heartily at some of the silly and funny things people say, played around with my own profile (they say a new picture is worth a hundred hits) and all was good with the world. For today anyway, and that’s what it’s all about isn’t it?