Holding on

Dear Gabriel

I hope this doesn’t sound a bit too macabre but I’m writing a reflection on death and dying. My protagonist is a mother who has been grappling with a “terminal” illness for so long that people stop believing her – they think she has made it all up as an attention getting device. The whole rhythm of the family’s life is centred around this woman but I wonder what would motivate someone to do this.

Arthur

Hi Arthur

I hope I don’t sound too jaded when I say that I have truly heard it all! So no it does not sound odd that you should be writing about death and dying, or about someone who uses her “imminent” demise as a tool to manipulate and control the people around her.

My view is that we “do” death as we “do” life – in that we bring to our dying process the skills, resources, needs, drives and flaws that drive us when we are well. Someone who was manipulative and controlling in life, and used this to get what she wanted, would rely on these attributes to navigate her way through the stormy and difficult waters of death.

But if we peeled away this layer, a more complex interpretation could be made. What was your character’s experience of illness as she grew up? Was her own mother an ill person who found attention and meaning in this, and is she now becoming that mother? Or was she a sickly child who found affirmation in the sick role rather than as a healthy and whole being? This may sound perverse but children learn very quickly what works to get attention, and may develop pathologies which complement those of their parents.

And of course as your character gets older, she may have a need to “hold on” to life by making sure she is at the centre of the family. “How can I die if they all need me to keep them together?” may be her unconscious motivation.

Good luck with finding a point of view that works for you!

All the best

Gabriel

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