How can I stop myself?

Dear Gabriel

I broke up with my boyfriend three months ago but I still have powerful feelings for him. The trouble is, when he comes knocking at my door I sleep with him. The next day I feel bad and he goes blithely on his way with a cheery “See you babe.” How can I stop myself? I know I will do it again.
Pumla

Dear Pumla

My heart goes out to you because you really are in a pickle – if you don’t have sex with him you risk killing the dream that you two will reunite, but if you keep having sex with him you are giving him permission to treat you like a refreshment station in a road race.

Which is the bigger problem for you: letting go of the dream or being treated like an object (which by the way you are colluding with)? If the answer is the former, you need to seek counselling so you can come to terms with the loss of the relationship and see the bigger picture – there are plenty of good men out there and there will be another man for you. Trust me.

If your answer is the latter, you need to lay down some ground rules for yourself – and put in place some strategies to be less available to him when he comes knocking. Write down 5 rules about sex, stick them on a wall and read them everyday. Repetition helps. Strategies to avoid sex you don’t really want include making sure he doesn’t get to your front door (insist he phones first, giving you time to set a limit or call a friend), making him very drunk (just make sure he gets a cab home) or dropping hints about the wedding dress you have in mind. Good luck Pumla, you can do it.