How to have sex when you’re expecting

The most important expectant parents should remember is that after baby is born, you will have to wait many years before you can have rampant sex around your house. By the time your children are old enough to be away for the whole night, you may be old enough not to want rampant sex around your house.

Blessed are those who don’t fall pregnant by accident, but have the luxury of trying to get pregnant for a little while. I know you don’t want to be trying for too long, but a couple of months where everyone, including YOUR parents, think the best thing you could possibly be doing is having sex is great. This is a good time to buy and try the Karma Sutra, tying each other up, and just about everything else kinky you can think of.

Then, when you are happily pregnant, have as much sex as possible. I know that during the first trimester the thought of this might make you a little sick, but lets face it, during the first trimester the thought of just about anything might make you a little sick.

Bring on the second trimester, when you feel utterly sexy, your boobs are enormous, and you are no longer puking. You are also, gorgeously, period free. Once again, now is the time to play – maybe try out some of that baby oil, take advantage of your excuse to “stay in”. When you get a little heavier, pick up your handy Karma Sutra and turn to the lying down sideways positions.

And so we come to the third trimester, when your baby might start to come between you, so to speak. While things might tail off a little, there comes a time when moms to be are gagging for sex. This time is when they are two days past due, desperate to be rid, and remember that they read a column on a website somewhere which informed them that orgasm helps bring on labour.

Yes, that’s right, when the time is right, a little stimulation of the clitoris might help stimulate contractions, and thus stimulate baby to come the hell out so that you can cease resembling a heifer and start once more to resemble a human being.

Of course you could ignore all my advice. But don’t come crying to me in two years time when you haven’t had an empty be for longer than three hours in the last year and you only wish you’d taken more time to be together when you had the chance…