I’m scared of losing them both

Dear Jo,
Eighteen months ago, our two-year-old tragically drowned in a pond. Mark, my husband, refused to talk about it and it’s got so bad that I feel shy to even bring up Jason’s name. I want to talk about him all the time. What it means is that Mark and I avoid each other and hardly talk about anything at all. I’m scared this could be the end of our relationship, and then I’ll have lost them both.
Sally

Dear Sally
I’m so sorry to hear about your tragic loss. The death of a child is regarded to be the most devastating experience that a parent can go through, and the bereavement following it is the most intense grief imaginable.

It makes so much sense to me that you are scared of losing your husband in the process. This is a very real fear, and I can imagine that this fear compounds your process of bereavement even more.

I would like to help you understand why you hardly talk to each other about anything, least of all Jason’s death. What you are going through is very normal and many couples face this.

The intensity of the bereavement is so immense that both of you yearn for each other’s support through this process. However, because you both are so devastated and overwhelmed, neither of you has the capacity to be there for each other. This places an enormous amount of additional stress on your marriage.

What is clear in your description is that you and your husband have opposite approaches to loss – a very common phenomenon in relationships. These reactions to the death of your child mean you will have different ways of coping with and expressing your bereavement.

It is these differences that are causing a great deal of misunderstanding, conflict, isolation, confusion, alienation and pain between you.

The death of your son will almost certainly make you feel like you’ve lost your “old selves” and you will have to adjust to these changes in each other. It is most important that you give each other permission to grieve in your different ways. This may be the greatest gift you can give each other.

I recommend that you go to an Imago relationship therapist near you so that they can support you and your marriage through this unbearably difficult journey. I also strongly suggest that you join a support group such as Compassionate Friends, since you might experience a great deal of comfort by sharing your process with others who have lost children.

If you find it difficult to talk to your husband about this, you could perhaps show him my response.

The death of a child commonly exacerbates pre-existing challenges in the marriage or family. If this is the case (and it may not be) I want you to know that there is help available.

Even if this is not the case with you I really strongly recommend that you seek professional help. Not only will it help you to understand each other better, communicate about it differently, but it might save your marriage.

All the best, and please feel free to contact me at any time should you wish to.