In sickness and in health

Dear Gabriel

What do you think about the idea of a character who is still a virgin at 50? Is it really feasible that someone could go through life without needing or experiencing sex and still be relatively normal? Do people have to learn to suppress their sex drive or is it true that some people just don’t want it? I am writing a story about someone in the religious life and these kinds of questions have always intrigued me.

Thanks

Andrea

Dear Andrea

Yes these questions intrigue me too so thanks for asking! I have to be honest I err on the side of thinking that celibacy is kind of weird – this of course says so much more about me than the celibate person.

In fact your question needs some teasing out (note subliminal sex message here). Celibacy as a choice seems perfectly reasonable if it is taken freely – and the freedom of this choice may be in doubt if the religious order you have chosen to be a part of makes this a non-negotiable requirement. Many faiths across the globe see celibacy (which strictly speaking is about not getting married but has become conflated with not having sex) as a requirement for deeper spirituality, a higher state of being if you like. On a purely practical level, avoiding sex and marriage also allows the devotee to give more time to their spiritual practice and matters of church, temple or shrine.

A more complex question is whether those who choose celibacy, under the guise of enlightenment or spiritual practice, are in fact scared of their own sexuality, or have been damaged in childhood and so avoid physical intimacy of any kind. Or they may be gay or different in some other way and so the celibate life becomes the perfect screen for rather gaping holes in their psyches, or a way of avoiding difficult questions. This may be difficult to determine. Some people quite naturally have lower sex drives, may have had a disastrous first sexual experience or been really let down by a lover. The explanations are various and could be overlapping, so you have a lot to work with when you shape this character’s life arc.

I am of the opinion that sex is an essential part of who we are and when it’s good and loving (though some good sex may not necessarily involve love) it can be healthy and healing. Lots of research suggests that the benefits are physical, psychological and perhaps even spiritual. But bad sex probably does a lot of damage too. I think, then, it’s perfectly possible for someone to have reached a position of a satisfying detachment from sex. But this could make for a boring character – so much more interesting if they’re still grappling with that old demon AND living in a religious community, don’t you think?

Gabriel  
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