It’s on/it’s off

Dear Gabriel

My character, I’m tentatively calling her, Simone, always finds herself in situations where she falls hopelessly in love with men, very quickly. Sometimes she makes plans to pack up her life and move in with these guys but then things go sour after six months and she spends another six months trying to end the relationship. One time, she almost sold her house and it took ages to get out of the deal. Would this be more realistic behaviour from a young woman and what could be an explanation for this intense see saw behaviour?

Andrea

Hi Andrea

If it’s ok with you, let’s start with the possible reasons for this behaviour. From a milder perspective (what we could call more neurotically normal behaviour) it’s possible that Simone tends to idealise her partners, expecting that they will fulfil all her needs and anticipate all her wants. She may have had a very close relationship with her father and this has become her “template”, her script if you like, for her love relationships, requiring them to recreate this connection. Perhaps in her relationship with her father, by unconscious agreement there was an avoidance of conflict. And so the “bubble” never burst and she never learnt to deal with disappointment and hurt, and has no skills to deal with the discovery that the emperor is wearing no clothes, or maybe that the clothes are simply ordinary.

A more complex perspective is that Simone experienced a profound disruption in an early bond, let’s say with her mother. This may have left her with a deep psychic wound, an inability to trust that people will stay with her, and a set of “defences” or coping strategies for life which are rather primitive. In this confused and damaged, and pre-verbal, inner world all lovers are either good or bad (and will be tested until they are found wanting), or any negative feeling is deeply repressed, and pops up in unexpected ways. So seeking a lover is an emotional recreation of an early need: a mother who completely merges with the child until it forms its own sense of self. So Simone will throw herself into relationships and blend her life with the man until of course he needs some breathing space. Or, in anticipation of the man leaving, Simone will orchestrate an ending so that she remains in control of the situation.

As for whether this is a younger or older person’s phenomenon, I would say either is possible. But while I don’t think people change easily, it would be interesting if an older character had at least developed some insight into her behaviour so that she wasn’t making obviously bad relationship choices all the time. Perhaps an older Simone would be able to laugh at herself a bit whereas a younger version would still have the intensity of youth, bless them!

Good luck!

Gabriel

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