Juliette and her Romeos

Hi Gabriel

My character Juliette consistently makes the wrong choices when it comes to men. Her previous boyfriend is a weak and emotionally manipulative man who drained her spiritually and emotionally. She broke up with him many months after his sell-by date. We are given intimations that she was no more successful with men before him. Now she is approached by a much older, much more sophisticated man who flatters her, urges her to audition for a part in the soap opera he produces. He is cynical, and it must be said manipulative: but his manipulation consists not in making her feel sorry for him, but in boosting and stroking her ego. We are aware long before she is that he is a predator. My question is: why does she make these errors? My gut tells me she doesn’t at heart believe she deserves better than she gets – but she is also a girl with a well-developed sense of self-confidence, so it’s not simply a question of low esteem. Could you help me unpack her romantic psychology?

Richard

Hi Richard

I suppose the interesting thing about your character is that although she appears to be a “victim”, at first of a man who is weak and later of a man who is powerful, the common denominator is her ego, and its need to be flattered. When she is with her dead beat guy what is possibly activated in her ego is a need to be needed – he made her feel strong. In the case of the smooth operator her ego is flattered because a strong man likes and wants her, she must be desirable and attractive.

Perhaps her sense of confidence is based on a “false self”, one which has been constructed over the years because she has never been exposed to intimate relationships (particularly with her first caregiver, a mother, and then later a father) where she can experience being valued and worthy just for herself, and she does not have to “earn” this affirmation. In other words conditions are set on being accepted as “good”.

I believe there are many people out there who appear to confident and high in self esteem but this turns out to be a pack of cards and somewhat ephemeral. In fact it’s a pseudo confidence which has been unconsciously constructed over the years – it acts as a mask with which to face the world. However, in situations of stress or when the defences and masks are penetrated, the person falls apart and cannot maintain the façade.

As a therapist I would say she needs to re-build her esteem so that it comes from within and does not require external affirmation. Once she trusts and likes herself – and believes that her own affirmation is sufficient – she will not seek out men who affirm her. As a writer, I would say this relationship needs to run its course (how far you want it to go depends on where you want to take your reader) and only then, through the break up, does she find the courage to look to her childhood, her upbringing, and even a healing relationship, for answers. I hope this helps!

Gabriel

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