Love and apologies

Dear Jo,

Please tell me what to do. I know that I did some things in the past that really hurt my partner. However, I have said “sorry” so many times but she still can’t forgive me. Every now and again we have an argument and then she brings up the past. What can I do to help us move forward and lay it to rest?

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous
In a previous letter in this column I dealt with the five languages of love – different ways in which people give and receive love. The same applies here. There are five languages of apology that represent different ways of expressing and recognising apologies as being sincere. Unless we express our apology in our partner’s language, chances are that they won’t experience it as genuine.

The first language of apology is “expressing regret”. By showing that you understand the other person’s feelings about your behaviour, you deal with the emotional aspect of your apology. You focus on your behaviour or action and how that has upset or hurt your partner.

By expressing your shame, guilt or pain at having caused the hurt, you are expressing regret. “I am sorry that I…” and linking this to your partner’s feelings is an effective way of using this language.

The second language of apology is “accepting responsibility”. This means admitting that you were in the wrong. This shows that you are accountable for your behaviour.

Here you don’t make excuses for your actions, neither do you minimise its effect. When you do this, you show that you don’t blame anybody else for your reaction. Shifting blame (eg “I did it because you provoked me” or “You took it the wrong way”) will change the apology into an attack.

Remember, if you are frustrated, angry or hurt because of what someone else did or said, you do have the right to feel all those feelings and express them in a constructive way. But this does not give you the right to retaliate by hurting them back or lashing out at them. “I was wrong” is a statement that captures this language.

“Making restitution” is the next language of apology. This shows that you’re willing to make up for the hurt that you’ve caused. When you use this language, you have to use the love language of your partner to make it most effective. Let me briefly recap the five love languages.

Words of affirmation help you say that you love and appreciate your partner.

Actions or acts of service reaffirms the saying, “actions speak louder than words”.. You show that you really think about your partner and then do something to express your thoughtfulness and kindness through an action.

If your partner’s love language is receiving gifts, it is important to remember that it’s not the size or the price of the gift that matters, but the thought behind it. A flower from the garden with a special card (bought or made by you) can sometimes carry more weight than an expensive gift. 

Quality time means that you give someone your undivided attention. It’s not about proximity (eg just being in the same room), but about being focused on each other without any distractions.

Physical touch includes much more than sexual intimacy. In this language, the apology needs to be followed by some physical touch, such as a hug.

By using your partner’s love language, your apology will be most meaningful to them. It will tell them that you really thought about it carefully and that you are sincere. The question: “What can I do to make it right?” will articulate this language to your partner.

Another language of apology is “genuinely repenting”. For a person with this language, there is nothing worse than if you repeat the hurtful act or behaviour over and over again.

It does not help if you make empty promises that you won’t do it again. When you use this language, you indicate your intention to really try not to do it again. You then need to put a plan in place to help you achieve that – you can even write it down.

For instance, instead of expressing frustration in the form of a criticism, you can learn to voice it in a less defensive or attacking manner. This will communicate it constructively.

These will show that you intend to change, even if it takes a long time to succeed. When your partner can see that you are taking (even small) steps to address this, they will sense your commitment to change.

If you realise that you have made the same mistake again, it helps to apologise as soon as possible, preferably before your partner confronts you. Saying, “I’ll do my best not to do that again” and implementing a plan of action will tell your partner that you are using this language. 

The last language of apology is that of “requesting forgiveness”.  It is crucial that you request, not demand it. If your partner is not willing or ready to forgive you, do not blame or judge them, as this will make them feel that you are trying to manipulate them.  Sometimes our partners need time before they can actually forgive us, and it is important to honour their process.

If we are unaware that our partner wants us to ask forgiveness, we might feel that it would be unfair to do so – especially if we still feel a great deal of shame or guilt about what we’ve done.

However, asking to be forgiven shows that you really want to repair the relationship. At the same time, you also leave the future of your relationship in their hands, as you allow them to decide whether or not they are ready to forgive you. This might be very difficult to do, especially if you fear being rejected, if you fear giving up control of the outcome, or if you are scared of admitting your mistake or wrongdoing.

There are a few general guidelines that you also need to keep in mind when you apologise, no matter which language you are using.

Your body language and tone of voice need to match your words. For example don’t roll your eyes or shout (“How many times must I tell you that I’m sorry??!!!”) while apologising.
Also, do not just say you’re sorry in order to manipulate them or get them off your back – it is likely that they will detect that. And the more specific and detailed your apology, the more meaningful it will be.

Lastly, one of the biggest “gifts” we can give our partner is if we can apologise even if we did not hurt them intentionally. This will enhance your relationship, as you will show them that you really understand their point of view.

In conclusion, if you don’t know what your partner’s language of apology is, and you cannot figure it out using the information given here, ask them what it is that they are looking for in an apology. Their answer might help you discover their language and, by using that, they’ll realise and feel your genuineness.

I hope this is helpful. Please let me know if you need more information about this!

Imago Relationship Therapy is based on the book Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix

Read more about Johanri Engelbrecht and Imago Relationship Therapy