Making it work

Dear Gabriel

I’m really struggling with one of my characters because he’s in a relationship and he can’t seem to get out (as you can see he’s taken on a life of his own and even I, who created him, don’t know what to do!). I’ve had this idea that he has been thinking about ending the relationship for ages and has come to a decision it’s over, but his girlfriend will refuse to end the relationship because she thinks it can be “worked on”. Do you think that one person’s determination to save a relationship can be enough?

Thoko

Dear Thoko

Hmm this is a tricky issue because there is some truth to the idea that sheer determination and refusal to give up can win over the reluctant partner. Perhaps a lot depends on the history of the relationship – sometimes a relationship with more “money in the bank” as it were has a better chance of survival because the couple have more shared experience to draw on. Of course the opposite can also be true, in the sense that boredom and ennui can have set in, and the person who wants to leave is seeking more excitement.

There seems though to be a subtext to your question, and it’s that the couple have not been really connecting well for a long time. How else can we explain that she has not picked up any signs that the relationship is in trouble? Or maybe she has been aware but too scared to say something. Either way, this is a couple that is not communicating very well, and perhaps this could colour and shape their encounters and the relationship trajectory.

So, my feeling is that it may still be possible to salvage this relationship, but only just. Some kind of “aha” moment for the man could help him realise that he really loves her and has been withholding and withdrawing to protect himself. Perhaps there has been a loss of intimacy and trust and so he has decided to cut his losses. If however he has really reached the point of no return, and already mourned the relationship’s end in private, I believe that no amount of determination on her part will make a difference. 

Oh and one other thought – yes relationships must be “worked on” to stay fresh and alive, but a relationship should not feel like hard work. It should have some core of joy and love and a spark, otherwise it’s a life sentence with no hope of parole!

Gabriel

If you want to ask Gabriel a question about your fictional character please contact him on