Meanings and misunderstandings

Dear Jo

I was very interested in what you told Phil about the Tiger and the Turtle. My husband and I are so familiar with the steps of that dance, because we’re constantly using it. Towards the end, you said we should make sure we really hear what our partner is saying – that is so true. My husband often thinks I’ve said the complete opposite to what I’ve actually said. How does that happen? And how can we fix that?

Thandi

Dear Thandi

I’m so glad you’re asking this question. I often hear it in my sessions and workshops with couples.

The first thing to consider is that we all listen to other people with filters over our ears: the filters of our experiences, our past, our world views, our assumptions, our interpretations, our hurts, our longings.

Often we think we know what our partner has said or meant and we’re totally unaware that our filters have skewed it. This leads to big misunderstandings, because we then assume meanings or assign intentions to our partner’s words or actions.

The other thing we need to remember is that our partners are unlike us, and that means their worlds work differently from ours. They have thoughts, feelings, histories, experiences and views that are often contradictory to ours.

For instance, someone might describe stress as a whirlpool that’s sucking them in, while another person might describe it as a black cloud over their head. People choose specific ways of expressing themselves, as these words reflect their unique experiences. If we can put aside our worlds, with all that comes with it, and really open ourselves to our partners, it is as if we learn a new language, which helps us enter their experiences and hear what they’re telling us.

We need to get into the habit of checking we’ve really heard what they’ve said – especially if we have an intense reaction to what they’re saying. By doing this, we can find out what they really meant. The best way to do this is simply to say, “I heard you say…..” and repeat what they said. Follow that up with, “Have I heard you?”

This might sound strange, but it really works. But you need to ask this in a neutral tone of voice – otherwise this might be the start of another argument! If you didn’t hear accurately, it gives him the opportunity to repeat it or to clarify what he meant. A simple exercise like this can save you from wasting a whole lot of energy being upset about something you misunderstood in the first place.

Imago Relationship Therapy is based on the book Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix

Read more about Johanri Engelbrecht and Imago Relationship Therapy