My best friend has a boyfriend…

Dear Gabriel

My best friend is in a relationship. She swore it wouldn’t make any difference to our friendship. Instead, all she does is work and spend time with this man.

I feel betrayed. I had the run of her house before and we used to spend evenings and weekends hanging out together. Now I only get to see her now and again, when she has the time.

She doesn’t invite me to hang with them over the weekends. How do I bring her back to what we had, or should I cut the friendship and recognise that she’s just not worth it?

Tumi

Dear Tumi

If those are the only two options you see, then I’m afraid you’ve painted yourself into a corner. Of course you feel hurt and let down – you’d have to be super mature or super cut off not to. But there are two questions you can ask yourself to help shift your sense of abandonment and anger.

First question: can I try to find the empathy to see things from her point of view? Yes she swore things wouldn’t change but we all make promises in summer which are hard to keep in winter!

She didn’t wake up one day and decide to specifically hurt you – it just crept up when she found herself absorbed with her partner. Let’s be honest, there is something inevitable about this.

The second question: did you have a healthy sense of separateness in the friendship? Having the run of her house and spending loads of time together is perhaps too much closeness – and where was the space for you to meet your own partner (assuming you want one)?

So for me it’s not “either we go back to what we had or it means she doesn’t love me”. There are other options: lose the anger, focus on yourself and find new interests and friends; and treasure the time you do have with her when it comes. Trust me, she will value you more if the time you have together is relaxed and friendly.