Never actually had an orgasm

Dear Gabriel,

I’m not sure if I can ask you this. But I’ve had a few boyfriends and now I’m going to get married. I’ve never actually had an orgasm. Isn’t that pathetic? None of my friends know. I feel like a fool cos everyone else seems to have them like mad. And where the hell is your g-spot anyway (well not yours, obviously, and not mine, I mean I’m not asking you to find mine obviously. Oh shit, I’m getting in a tangle. But you know what I mean.)

Shameela

Dear Shameela

Your letter made me smile, not because I think your situation is a laughing matter, but because there is a delightful sense of the absurd in how you write. So yes, I know what you mean, you want to know about your orgasms, not mine (just fine thank you, if you must ask, but then I’m a man and for men they are usually pretty self evident!).

Seriously, lots of women find themselves in your situation. They feel inadequate because all the magazines extol the thousand orgasm variations and they don’t understand their bodies well enough to know what’s “normal” and what’s not (and by normal I don’t mean what’s moral or socially acceptable, I mean just knowing how all the bits and bobs work and the infinite variations in these workings).

I would do at least two things. Firstly, I would buy a good book on sexuality and get acquainted with some facts. Dr Eve has written a book especially for South African women on sex, sexuality and their bodies and I would highly recommend you make this your regular bedside book (who knows where it could lead?). Secondly, I would chat with your husband to be and be absolutely honest with him and say that you need his help and support to become the fabulous lover you were destined to be. Trust me, once he’s over the shock at your honesty and his self doubt that he is an inadequate lover (we men are so fragile about this sometimes), he will embark on this journey of shared discovery with great enthusiasm.