Oh come on Rochelle, you’re a contortionist

Dear Gabriel
Three years ago I met a wonderful man. He said he couldn’t do relationships, but I could tell he loved me. My friends don’t really understand this (because they didn’t see him), but I could tell from the way he looked at me and reached out to touch my arm.

I knew that, given time, he would get over his commitment problems (he’d just got divorced). I have gone through periods of great anguish wondering if he’s serious. He goes long periods with no contact - I think he just finds it too hard.

But then, I’ll be hugely reassured when, after we meet at a get-together of friends or at a party, we sleep together. Admittedly not often.
(Actually only three times.)

But each time, I could tell how much he really cared for me but was held back by his emotional problems. Then he’d be so shattered by his emotional problems, he’d leave in the morning and be unable to phone me for weeks on end.

I’ve tried to be patient. At times, I’ve felt like walking away, but I’m scared that, as soon as I do so, he’ll realise how much I really mean to him, and it’ll be too late for me.
Rochelle

Dear Rochelle
Please don’t take this the wrong way but I’m wondering if you work as a contortionist in a circus. Your story shows how much you have bent over backwards to try and find alternative explanations for this man’s behaviour.

In case they aren’t obvious, let me explain.  He says he can’t do relationships but you see his touch (and the sex) as evidence that he wants one with you. I see someone who knows what he wants, sex.

He does not contact you for a long time – you see that he is trying to get his act together, I see that he has other interests (women?). He has sex with you and does not follow up – you see him as so overwhelmed that he has to build up the strength to see you again, I see him as self absorbed.

No Rochelle, the writing is on the wall but you’re not seeing it. This is not a relationship – he sees you as a sex buddy and he’s made it clear, in actions and words, that he doesn’t want a relationship.

Unless you are happy with chance sex, move on because you will get even more hurt, and lose precious time to focus on someone who will offer you a mutually caring relationship.