How to whip up a Valentine’s meal in sixty minutes including a relaxing bath but excluding shopping

If you are reading this on the morning of the 14th of February and you haven’t got it together to make a reservation at that elusive but perfect restaurant that has both good food and a romantic atmosphere, then take heart – you can cook a meal in the time it might take you to sit on the phone trying to find a table at what is sure to be a disappointing and second rate establishment. But you must get to the shops in a hurry. You do need perfect ingredients and I am afraid unless you live near a gem like the Borough Market in London, Granville Island Market in Vancouver or a perfect undiscovered street market in Paris you might have to run around a little.

This is what you are going to serve*

* As a starter, 24 fresh shucked oysters served simply on the half shell with wedges of lemon, black pepper and maybe a drop or two of Tabasco.
* Main course, pasta with lemon, cream, black pepper and caviar. Buy any pasta, fettuccini or spaghetti as long as it is fresh or absolute best quality dried. The caviar, unless you insist is actually going to be salmon roe or even lumpfish roe – just don’t get those horrible pressed caviars.
* Dessert, strawberries dipped in dark chocolate or just the best very dark chocolate.
* Champagne or in fact anything sparkling of a certain standard.  What would be very good with this meal, right the way through is Ruggeri Rose di Pinot Nero Brut N.V.

Get home. Set the scene. Always do this. All it entails is lots of candles, simple white ones only, and some fresh flowers. Be generous. Not a hideous mixed bunch though. Use restraint, one kind only. Since it’s Valentines day you might as well go the whole hog and have roses but if you feel that’s just too kitsch then perhaps lilies or even something like ornamental cabbages.  If bought flowers offend you by virtue of the air miles they consume or the hot house electricity they devour, then go into the garden and pick some simple leaves. If you don’t have a garden then sneakily pluck something green from a nearby source. You might as well set the table now too, simply but beautifully. Throw a bag of ice into a lovely big bowl of some description and put the champagne in it: 10 minutes

Prepare the strawberries first. Gently melt the chocolate in a bowl over boiling water being careful not to let the water touch the bottom of the bowl. While the chocolate is melting wipe the strawberries with a paper towel to remove any grit, leaving the stalks and leaves on. Then dip the strawberries in the chocolate so that it comes about halfway up, cooling each one for a few seconds in your hand before gently laying it on a piece of wax paper. Once the chocolate has hardened, tumble them generously onto a decorative plate and leave them in a cool place, not in the fridge: 15 minutes

Then make the pasta sauce. Put the zest and juice of a lemon or two in a small pot with about 250 ml of cream and a generous grinding of black pepper. Bring to the boil and reduce until slightly thickened and then remove from the heat. Grate about 150g of parmesan and put it in a bowl. Cut a few extra lemon wedges and put them in a bowl too. Get out a pasta pot and fill the kettle with water: 10 minutes

Now you can have a bath with a few drops of aphrodisiac aromatherapy oil. Quickly dress: 20 minutes

Arrange the oysters and lemon wedges on a pile of crushed ice on a platter. 5 minutes. Put on some music, light the candles.

Door bell rings.......

Pour some of that lovely Ruggeri Rose di Pinot Nero Brut and when you are ready serve the oysters. You don’t have to do this at the table; instead you could laze around somewhere more comfortable.

Once you feel ready for the pasta, fill your glasses and chat in the kitchen while you cook it. When it is al dente, drain and toss in the pot with a lump of butter and the sauce. Put back on the stove to bubble for a couple of minutes, give it just enough time for the flavours to amalgamate and for it to have heated through. Serve with the parmesan, back pepper and lemon wedges and spoonfuls of the caviar.

Then when you are ready for desert, all you have to do is dash into the kitchen, grab the plate of strawberries and another bottle of the sparkling wine and know that your perfect evening is not quite over yet.

Shopping list
Oysters – 24 of the best, most local fresh oysters, shucked and on the half shell
Lemons – about six organic unwaxed
Black pepper – you must have freshly ground
Tabasco
Fresh pasta – spaghetti or fettuccini, 300g
Cream – 250ml
Parmesan – 200g
Small tub of salmon roe or lumpfish roe
Strawberries – a punnett
Dark chocolate – best quality 100g
Champagne or sparkling wine – a couple of bottles
Ice
Candles
Flowers

*For vegetarians or those of you who feel strongly about serving only seasonal/local produce, here are some options.

Fresh oysters unavailable – serve slices of smoked salmon or smoked trout with some brown bread, lemon and crème fraiche.

You can also swop the caviar for smoked salmon or trout but then don’t also serve it as a starter. Just toss some torn pieces into the pot with the pasta and sauce before heating for a minute or two.

Vegetarian – swop the oysters for bowls of pistachios and caperberries, swop the caviar for some lightly steamed asparagus.

Strawberries not in season – just drop them and serve only the chocolate and maybe some preserved ginger and Sally Williams nougat.