One person’s boring is another’s fantasy

Dear Gabriel,

I’m a gay man in my 20s. Am I old-fashioned? My boyfriend says I’m an idiot.

I haven’t had many relationships. I only came out a couple of years ago. My family hasn’t exactly disowned me, but they make it clear they’re not happy. My mother thinks it’s a phase. My father can’t bring himself to talk about it. He acts like I never said anything. But he’s just more remote than he used to be. He and my brothers grab each other and wrestle, or horse play, or whatever you call it. They used to do it with me too, but now they don’t anymore. I suppose that makes it kind of lonely.

My boyfriend, Thabo, says that’s not his issue. He says I should go to therapy rather, not lay my emotional trips on him. He wants an open relationship. He says we shouldn’t lay all the relationship stereotypes of heteros on us. He doesn’t think it’s natural not to be attracted to other guys we meet in clubs. He says it doesn’t mean anything. I just want him. I want us to do things together, and have a bit of fun with each other. Maybe even cook and stay home in front of the tv, rather than clubbing every night. Am I really boring?

Lucas

Dear Lucas

One person’s boring is another’s fantasy. There’s no right or wrong here and you need to sit down with Thabo and work out your unique relationship rules. What worries me about Thabo is that he thinks heterosexual stereotypes are wrong but he seems to be carrying some gay ones – you know, the ones that say all gay men want to have open relationships and will and can sleep with anything that moves. I’m also worried that he’s a bit dismissive of your feelings and needs – couples always have “stuff” that they bring into relationships and of course they bring out “stuff” in each other. If he’s so into open relationships, how come he’s with you, and you with him? Perhaps he secretly likes that you keep him in check and you secretly like his wild, experimental side. So there are some warning signs here but in the end it’s talk, talk, talk that will get you through, with a therapist or counsellor if necessary.

If he won’t talk at all, then maybe this was not meant to be and you need to move on. Either way, you have got some family issues and working through them will probably open some interesting doors. And I’m not talking closets!