Push and pull

Dear Gabriel

I’m writing a gay novel (I know this will come as a shock to you) and my story is about a couple who seem to be unable to separate, yet at the same time they seem unable to stay together. I know everyone thinks gay men have loads of sex and are up for it at any time but I’m thinking of making them have an incompatibility around sexual desire and needs. Is this realistic and do you think a straight audience might appreciate this theme?

Thanks

Anton

Hi Anton

Let me tackle your last question first and then zoom into the sex question (I’m not sure why but bear with me). I’m going to equivocate a bit and say that I think some straight people will indeed appreciate this theme, but others might not. In my idealistic moments I think that if a book is well written and addresses a common human concern or pursuit (such as sex) then it will have cross over appeal. On the other hand, there are readers who have found their chosen genre and won’t budge from this. Or their prejudice or discomfort with a topic will limit their literary experimentation. Having said that, sex is sex and once we’ve gotten past which body part goes where (and whether the sexes are opposite or the same), I think everyone can relate to the theme of sexual incompatibility and what to do about it.

We all bring into our relationships a set of needs, experiences and beliefs about how two people should construct a life together (and indeed whether they should even bother) and relate to each other emotionally and physically, based on what we observed from our parents and other significant people in our lives. And what’s more, how we were taught to experience our bodies and sensuality will have a huge impact on the need for intimacy and the ability to manage and express it.

When these themes – perhaps understood as forming a kind of template for a relationship – are differently experienced by two people then they may struggle to find the middle ground of a working relationship.

So why would two gay men do the push/pull dance, finding solace in each other and then becoming overwhelmed by this? Well there could be many reasons, but if we zoom in on the sex part (my favourite thing!) it’s possible that one of the men believes a couple should be faithful in the “til death us do part” sense, and be scared to truly understand and experience his own sexuality. And if the other man is more experimental, desires variety, has a higher sex drive, and can more easily separate emotions and sex, then, Houston we might have a problem!

I believe most relationships have to compromise in some way, and certainly around sex, so for me the interesting issue would not be the incompatibility per se, but the way that it’s managed. So while the content of this topic (gay male and gay lifestyle specific matters for example) might appeal to a more gay audience, the process of how they deal with their differences (for example through therapy, threesomes or thoughtful engagement) would, I suspect, have universal interest.

So go for it and good luck – I for one am keen to read this novel!

All the best

Gabriel  
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