Same sex encounter

Dear Gabriel,

I’m happily married. Or I thought I was until last week. I’ve been married for nine years and two months. I have everything I could possibly want. We have a nice house, twin daughters and recently bought a holiday house on the coast.

But last week, we went to a party. Everyone had a bit too much to drink and things got a little naughty. People were sitting in the jacuzzi and tops were coming off and people were touching a bit, even people who weren’t married. I didn’t really get involved, and neither did my husband. But later they all wandered back in the house. I wanted to stay out there where it was quiet. The sister of the hostess came and joined me in the jacuzzi. We started talking, and she was so lovely and warm and understanding. I found myself crying a bit when I told her about my life. Ridiculous I know. I don’t even know why. I have such a good husband.

Then she started rubbing my back and comforting me. The next thing I knew my breast was in her mouth and she was sucking me in a way my husband never has. It made me gasp – I thought I was going to come right there and then. I can’t believe I’m writing this stuff down, but I don’t know how you’ll understand otherwise. The next thing her hand was down there. You know, between my legs, and she was rubbing me. Then I did come. I swear I’ve never come like that. I thought I’d die. And now I don’t know what to do. I’m 30 and only now realise, for the first time that I must be gay. What on earth will I do? I’m in despair.

Claire

Dear Claire

Look this was obviously an intense experience and it’s shaken your foundations but if one same sex encounter meant we were gay, then there would be very few straight people out there! You have to work out for yourself if this experience showed you that you need some intimacy and understanding from your husband or if you actually are gay. Or bisexual. I don’t think you need to despair, as understandable as this feeling is, but you could see this as a significant moment in your life, a catalyst for some growth and change. My hunch is to suggest you either chat to a close friend about what happened or take some time out for a private retreat and really ponder on it. Depending on what answer comes to you, then I’d suggest talking to your husband. If you really are gay, he needs to know and you need to make some tough decisions because living in the closet does not build anyone’s character. If you are not, but you have needs he is not meeting, he needs to be given a chance to meet them.

If it was a once off, amazing experience, I’d pack it away for a rainy day and just get on with my life. It’s your call.