Settling down (Gasp!)

Have you ever reflected on key transition points in your life? I’m not talking about the time you moved from gym Barbie to club Barbie when you were seven (oh alright I know not all gay men did the doll thing, it’s a joke okay?).

And I’m also not talking about the time you decided the circuit at gym wasn’t going to make that buff body you always dreamed of and so you asked Craig the personal trainer to take you in hand, as it were.

No, I’m thinking of those times when, as you look back, you realise something shifted in your way of thinking or being. A young(er) man of my acquaintance said to me recently that he was really struggling, as a 26-year-old, with making the shift from dating and clubbing furiously to finding someone he could settle down with.

Now remember, I’m someone for whom the phrase “settle down” is akin to “go to jail” or “suffer a quiet death” so I am biased. But taking Thulani at face value, I guess what he was saying is that if you have put yourself out there on the “scene”, styled the outfits, timed your club appearances to coincide with that mystical time when all the beauties seem to converge at the entrance, and surfed the turbulent waves of sex, drugs and rock and roll, it’s hard to downshift to a quieter, steadier existence. Did I hear a voice in the back row say “boring”!?

Firstly, you have to deal with the disbelief and irritation (and envy?) of your crowd, who are still running with the wolves. Your decision to slow down is sometimes seen as a judgment of them, so they’ll try to trip you up, tempting you with boys, booze and bars.

And then you’ll face the fact that this reputation you’ve worked so hard at developing (easy come easy go, Mr “no commitment”) is harder to shed than you might have imagined. It’s like Pamela Anderson – the big boobs, blonde bimbo thing she’s got going really works for her, but let’s be honest, she may be a smart businesswoman who knows what she’s doing. But are we really going to take her for a serious actress?

Even savvy, media-wise Madonna took ages to become believable as a mom and wife. So when you tell people you want to settle down, your reputation precedes you, a bit like Pammie’s boobs going round the corner before she does (yes I’ve got a thing about boobs, leave me alone, ok).

Also, you’ve got in the habit of being a slut – and I say this with love because I have made peace with my inner slut – and it’s a tough one to break, honey. Yes there are sexual addiction groups, kind of like the raunchy grandchildren of the original AA, to help you challenge your candy floss approach to love and romance (hmm, the more flavours the better), but this stuff is not that easy to overcome.

You’ve mastered the art of fake intimacy, being vulnerable, confident, witty and earnest (a thrilling combination that’s harder to pull off than you imagine) for a whole night, praying you will never see the man again because you sure as hell can’t do this two nights in a row!

Your idea of serial monogamy is cereal monogamy – committing to only one breakfast with a man, two being a precursor to marriage. And you just love the heady rush of infatuation, real love being just too much damn hard work for your liking.

And now you want to find a man to grow old with, well grow a bit older with maybe, and it’s not so easy!

You feel a bit shop-soiled and you’ve seen too much, had too many men and practised your routine. “Jaded” would be a kind word, not an insult.

No, this transition from fast to slow takes time. It can be done – change the crowd you hang with, do a bit of work on your inner self (to match the veneer you’ve polished up very nicely thank you), type out a few affirmations – but be kind to yourself and lower your expectations. But not too low – just keep them simmering gently on the stove and before you know it they’ll be done, and you’ll find someone to settle down with (there I said it).