Your Gay Best Friend
Gabriel St Claire, gives advice on life, love and lust.
Sex just for sex sake?
Dear Gabriel
I haven’t had sex in eight years. I was a single mother, and for a while, didn’t feel the need. Then I suppose I got out the habit. Or maybe I come over too desperate.
I can live by myself (with my child) and I can keep myself occupied. But I just want to have sex. I bought the bloody vibrator at the suburban sex toy party. But I’m just no good with it. It seems cold.
I’ve recently got so desperate I have dreams and desperate longings. I can’t concentrate. I’m tempted to put an ad in the paper, or meet someone on the internet. Anyone, just so long as I get to feel a real man’s skin.
Marlene
Dear Marlene
There are different views on this – and they are usually incompatible. I think that sex just for sex’s sake is completely okay as long as there are some checks and balances.
Are you physically safe? There are a lot weirdos out there and, of course, condoms and safer sex are not negotiable. Are you emotionally safe – can you cope with casual sex and not feel guilty and ashamed afterwards? And are you spiritually safe – does this challenge all your beliefs about goodness and meaning and purpose? If your conscious seeking-out for a happy and mutual sexual experience meets your needs and criteria, go for it.
The other point of view is that sex in a loving situation, where the sex fulfils the whole of you, might be more satisfying. Only you can really know how to answer these questions and what you really want. It might be an idea to chat with a therapist to explore just why you have not met someone, even to date.
There could be many unconscious reasons, never mind the practicalities of being a single mother, which are hindering you in the relationship part of your life. How about it?
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Ask your gay best friend for help on anything at all. Gabriel's tart but not unkind, and he's impossible to shock. He may not be an aunt, but he's used to agony. And the fact that he's a shrink doesn't harm.
