Sexual baggage

Are you honest about the number of men you’ve had sex with? A recent article in Attitude magazine got me thinking about how I approach this issue. They interviewed ten men and the number of partners ranged from 12 to 500, and I know men who have had so much sex they stopped counting after 1000. Some of the guys were worried they were below average, some threw around the word promiscuous, most of them thought that men in general would like sex whenever they could get it (and gay men were lucky enough to be able to get it quite easily), and all of them felt that the definition of sex was quite fluid (if you’ll pardon the pun), not necessarily being about penetration only.

My own attitude to sex has changed a lot over the years – when I was younger I was quite prudish and judgmental of anyone who wasn’t having sex in a monogamous lifelong partnership, much like my mom and dad (although I didn’t really want five children like them).

As time passed I feel I worked through a lot of the baggage of my upbringing (it’s still there but better organised) and I see sex now in a much more free way and I try not to impose my views on other people. The problem is, they try to impose their views and judgments on me!

And this is the nub of the problem – we human beings struggle to accept each other just as we are, with all our stuff. When it comes to dating, we worry that if we’re honest and forthright about our sexual views and sexual history, we’ll somehow chase the person away, having destroyed the illusion that we are Mr Right, the one, the alpha and the omega.

See, this is the Hollywood fantasy, that there is a single person out there, the soul mate, who is destined to be with us and who will provide for all our needs. It really only happens like that in movies. In real life, relationships are hard work and often boil down to who takes out the rubbish and should we renovate the bathroom this year, darling (something to alleviate the boredom)?

No don’t worry, I’m not cynical about relationships. I guess I’ve just seen too many warped picket fences in my time to make me anything other than healthily wary of buying into the “dream”. Like all dreams, they need to be viewed in the cold clear light of day and seen for what they are, fantasies and mixtures of hopes and desires and fears and other dark stuff. Of course relationships can and do work – and there are some damn amazing ones out there (okay one that I know of) – but the best ones are the honest ones.

And this brings me back to my opening question. Are we honest with each other from the start? I don’t mean the kind of honesty that says on the first date: “Did your mother dress you tonight?”

No, I mean being real and straightforward about the fact that you are human and you come as a total package deal. Part of this package (and here I use the term not to describe the crown jewels) is being able to say I’ve had loads of partners (and of course, being able to say I’ve had very few – because there is the belief that to be gay you have to be the sexual equivalent of a race horse).

To do this, we have to throw off the shackles of our upbringing, no mean feat, and to see this person as they are today. Do they make you laugh, do you love the way they are kind to old ladies and waiters, are they good to and for you, can they be vulnerable, do you feel you can speak your thoughts and fears without being judged? If the answer is yes, then to hell with their sexual baggage, take this man for better and for worse and go for it!