Successful career but at what price?

Dear Gabriel,

My husband and I are both in our late 30s. We’re both barristers who met at uni. We got together doing our articles and when we were finished we cruised around the world a bit. Then we had to earn some solid cash to pay off our bank loans. Then we had to be pupil barristers, then build up our careers … basically, we now want to have a baby. 

But my gynae says I have hardly any eggs left. And when I told him, I thought my husband and I would cry together and discuss adoption and that he’d comfort me and say how stupid he’d been to keep saying we had to work on our careers.

But instead he was really horrible. He said: “Well what am I supposed to do then?” and disappeared into his study. Last night he came in while I was making supper and said that he’d have to think things through because he still really wanted a baby. And even if I’m too old, he still has chances. I feel numb. I want to die.

Harriet

Dear Harriet

It’s self evident to say that this is a crisis for the relationship and the signs, from what you’ve said, aren’t good. There is hurt and fear on both sides and you somehow feel he’s to blame for delaying starting a family when it was a choice you seem to have gone along with. And he seems to be ready to cut his losses, which is, on the face of it, an extremely cold decision, clearly one that is shocking and devastating to you.

You both need to get into counselling as soon as possible, preferably as a couple, to talk through the mixed feelings of loss, anger, betrayal and fear.

The need for some people to pass on their genes is so powerful it apparently can turn them into driven and calculating behaviour. If this is a non-negotiable need for your husband, then he’s going to really struggle with the idea of adoption. Having said that, I think he may need to work through his sadness before he can take on the idea of adoption. (I also wonder if you have considered the various conception options now available).

It’s possible he may re-think things in time so don’t give up on him yet. Of course your feelings are deep too and he needs to acknowledge he has hurt you if discussions can proceed. 

I can’t tell you what to do but get some support even if he won’t and find an outlet for your feelings. If you can forgive him for his harsh words there is still hope – after all you have already shared so much.