The complete guide to handy sexual positions for parents:

Position One: the Couch Pile On

The man lies down face up on the couch. The woman lies on top of him. They cover themselves with a blanket/duvet/similar. This is the cue for any and all children to come and sit on top of the pile, either pretending to ride horsey or shrieking “Pile on! Get dad!” depending on their age. The great thing with this position is the more you move about the more fun your kids will have too! And if they shriek enough you might even get some moaning in. Not to be recommended if you have a bad back or an old couch.

Difficulty Rating: Four – requires a lot of energy

Position Two: the Feeding Bra Foreplay

Every woman has two breasts, so while the baby is busy with one, make use of the easy-opening flap on the other breast, and expose it for a little fondling. For the busy couple, this allows you to get all the foreplay over and done with so that when your little angel finally nods off you can just roll over and get it over with – I mean get your leg over. Of course, when baby is older your bra can just double up as kinky underwear – ignore the milk stains!

Difficulty Rating: Five – have you ever seen a man not struggle with a bra?

Position Three: The Garden Romp

Get in your swimming costumes, and get everyone wet. Wait until your children get bored – this may take hours, as children have an overly high tolerance for both sunshine and water. When they have finally gone inside (bribes of computer games and TV are acceptable and in fact encouraged) have sex, very quickly, without taking your costumes off. No one will suspect a thing. This tactic will be useful for those of you who get very sweaty during sex.

Difficulty Rating: Three – all it requires is patience

Position Four: Mutual Masturbation with a Straight Face

Line the whole family up in front of the TV. Ideally hide their favourite DVD for a few days prior to this event, so they’re thrilled to see it again and are absolutely engrossed. Place a blanket/duvet/similar over your lower halves, and let your fingers do the talking. Keep your faces locked onto the television at all times. Do not show pleasure – unless in keeping with what you are seeing.

Difficulty Rating: One to Five depending on how prone you usually are to making loud noises during sex

Position Five: The 3am Quickie

Wait until everyone except you is asleep. Have sex.

Difficulty Rating: 100 – There is never a time when everyone is asleep.