The Curse of the Yummy Mummies

I stifle a scream as I stare at yet another tabloid feature on the incredible post-birth slimdowns of Nicole Ritchie, J Lo and their ilk. While these women have certainly “brought sexy back” to motherhood, they have also created ludicrous standards for ordinary women.

Although not all resort to the “Posh Caesar” – the tummy tuck with Caesar that Victoria Beckham allegedly had with her last two kids – they do have numerous unnatural advantages.

“Her stringent diet, prepared by her personal chef” – well sure. If we all had personal chefs plus the budget to blow on low fat delicacies, we could all eat incredibly well-rounded, balanced meals that were high in fibre but low in GI. In reality, though, most new moms are finishing off their toddler’s mac and cheese with gusto.

“Two hours of gym every day” – well sure. If we all had nannies plus leisure time, we would love nothing better than to work out in our own personal gyms with our gorgeous personal trainers whispering sweet incentives in our ear. Once again, the reality is that the best workout we get is chasing the two year old around before bedtime or vacuuming the sitting room.

“Her loving husband, INSERT NAME HERE”. Ah. Now we come to the crux of the matter. You see, if we were all married to Brad Pitt or David Beckham, we too would feel the urgent need to look as delicious as possible as soon as possible, because we would be well aware that virtually half the world was gagging for the opportunity to take our place in bed. We too would starve ourselves and work out past the point of exhaustion. Hell yeah.

Yes ladies, the happy truth is that we don’t need to be as yummy as those mummies because our husbands aren’t really Fad Dads or even Delectable Dads. They’re kind of quirky, which is why we love them. So go on, slip into something sexy – a bubblebath is good, hides a plethora of sins – and seduce away.