The dance of the Tiger and the Turtle

Dear Jo

Why is my partner so difficult? When I confront her about an issue she often sulks or says, “I don’t want to talk about it. Now is not a good time”. Quite frankly, it feels like there’s never a “good time”. She just wants to sweep our problems under the carpet and think they’ll go away if we ignore them long enough.

It drives me crazy, because I want to solve problems immediately so we can get over them and move on, which is obviously the right thing to do. Sometimes we start fighting about this and then we can’t even remember what we were fighting about in the first place. If she really cared about our relationship, surely she would want to deal with these things there and then? Please help! Phil

Dear Phil

It sounds like you’re stuck in the dance of the Tiger and the Turtle. Most couples engage in this dance, so don’t feel alone.

Let me explain it. When we have an argument or a disagreement, we feel emotionally unsafe, and then we want to protect ourselves. You’ve probably heard of the fight-flight response that we use when confronted by physical danger. Say for instance we see a man approaching us in an aggressive way. Our “old brain”, which is ruled by instinct, will tell us there’s an enemy nearby and, if we don’t protect ourselves, we might die.

We’ll instinctively prepare to fight, flee, submit or freeze. When instinct takes over, we don’t think logically and we’re mostly unaware of what makes us respond in these ways.

Exactly the same response kicks in when we pick up signals of emotional danger – things like a certain tone of voice or a dirty look from our partner. In that moment, our brain tells us we’re in the presence of an emotional “enemy”. This is what makes you want to confront issues immediately (fighting), while your partner wants to avoid the topic (fleeing). A part of us believes we won’t “survive” unless we attack our partner or defend ourselves.

You’re the Tiger because you want to “fight”, and your partner’s the Turtle because she wants to “flee”. Just think about it: which turtle in their right mind would stick their head out if there was a tiger growling at them. On the other hand, which Tiger would stop growling if they thought no-one was hearing them. Does that sound familiar?

We learn these responses in childhood and then we cling to them for dear life. It’s like our “automatic pilot”, which we fall back on. You see, in childhood those methods worked for us, but sadly, in adult relationships they often prevent us from getting what we really want our partners to do: listen to us, understand us and make us feel we matter to them. I hope you can start seeing that “fighting” is not always necessarily the “right” thing to do.

We need to understand this before we realise we have another alternative available. This option is to use our “new brain”, the part that thinks logically. We need to reassure ourselves that our partner isn’t the enemy and that we don’t have to secure our survival through attack or defence. We can make a conscious choice: moving from reactivity (automatically fleeing or fighting) to intentionality (choosing how we want to react). Instead of winning the “battle” we can win for the relationship.

This means that both of you need to develop new ways of reacting to conflict: you need to back off a bit at times, while she sometimes needs to agree to talk there and then. Doing this will mean you no longer operate from survival mode. You’ll be able to communicate in a way that lets you really hear and understand each other.

Sometimes we don’t hear what our partners have said, and that can cause big misunderstandings. Listening, and understanding her, don’t mean you necessarily have to agree with her and give up your perspective. But understanding each other can deepen the connection between you, which in turn helps you deal with challenges more easily.

This is easier said than done, and it really takes a lot of practice. But they don’t say “practice makes perfect” for nothing. In my work with couples, I have seen how relationships can change when partners make this choice. All the best!

For more information about the role of the brain in your reactions you can click here.

Imago Relationship Therapy is based on the book Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix.

Read more about Johanri Engelbrecht and Imago Relationship Therapy