The face to face meeting and how to do it with dignity

My good friend Simon, the one who has received the Order of the Honey Badger from the President for dedication to internet dating, was chatting to me recently about some of his experiences and it occurred to us that there were some real no nos around meeting a date face to face. So, for your delight, I have compiled a brief list of our brainstorm.

Firstly, don’t cancel at the last minute, pleading a headache, prior commitment, or diary slip up. These excuses just don’t wash and you will be seen for what you are, a flake. Please people, just do the right thing and sit out the date – at least you’re getting practice for your next job interview (because let’s be honest, sometimes dating is like applying for a job, where you have to sell yourself without coming across like a branding expert).

Secondly, and this relates to number one, don’t just not arrive and then be unavailable on your cellphone. Simon’s had a couple of these “no shows, no tells” and believe me they’re not fun. Maybe you’re one of those people who are happy to sit in a restaurant on your own, sipping a delicious Chardonnay or a single malt whisky, while perusing the menu. I guess it’s different if you’ve set out to have a romantic dinner for one, but when it’s patently obvious to the staff that you’ve been stood up, it’s awful. Knowing glances and repeat questions about the other table setting can make a man suicidal – or homicidal if you find the idiot who stood you up.

The third no no is checking and sending text messages throughout the meeting. Yes this actually happens! I don’t know about you, but this really is not okay. Put it down to the decline of manners or the rise of intrusive technology which makes us terrified of not being available 24/7, but this has become a common occurrence. What’s really weird for me is that this person is meant to be impressing me – or at least making an effort to be interested and interesting! People, the purpose of a date is to connect, to listen, to give a bit of yourself. If your possible booty call is more interesting to you than the man sitting opposite you, be honest and get the hell out of there.

The fourth big mistake is to spend the whole date talking about yourself. For avid readers of this column, you’ll remember the date where I had to prop my eyes open with toothpicks to keep awake. Sometimes I blame myself for this because my shrink training has given me good listening skills, but when the date blathers on and on about their fabulous life, amazing job, perfect house, incredible sex life, evolved soul, you have to start wondering about their amazing narcissism too. When your date hasn’t noticed that you’ve taken cat naps, been to the loo and not uttered a single word in half an hour, it can only go downhill from there.

And the last big sin committed by some daters is bringing along a pet. Simon has had at least two dates on which a pooch was brought in a basket. Apart from the fact that a man who carries his parloured Pomeranian everywhere with him has issues with separation, it’s just so uncool to have a third being sitting in on the date. Some key questions come up for me: how are you meant to relate to this creature during the date: is this a test of your love for animals? Will the dog be staring balefully at you during sex (don’t even go down the road of participation)? No, no, no, leave Liberace at home and venture out on your own.

Try to treat dating like an adventure – be prepared, be thoughtful and see it through to the end. He may not be Mr Right, but if your and his dignity are intact by the end of the evening, I reckon that’s a successful date.