Luke's World
A psychologist braves the minefield of gay dating
The games some gay men play
Three recent internet dating experiences have really got me thinking about how some gay men really like to play games (and I don’t mean the tie me up kind). Deepak Chopra (the Barbara Cartland of metaphysical writing, he’s so prolific), in his 7 Spiritual Laws of Success, talks about how every day we’re confronted with choices. And we can make better choices if they are conscious: what is the impact of this choice going to be, will it be good for me, will it be good for them? “Them” could be your lover, your friend, your colleague or the guy you’re cruising from across the bar.
So gay men who say “you have dreamy eyes”, but clam up when you send them your contact details, seem to be indulging in a form of fly-fishing. They show you their bait but they don’t pull the rod when you bite (hmmm, bit Freudian that). Or they ask you to send them a sexy sms, promise to call and pop by for a “visit”, and then don’t do anything. Or one of my most recent experiences has been with a guy who seems very interested, has said flattering things about me, but seems to stop dead in his tracks when I write back. It’s almost as if the excitement is in making the contact, not actually acting on it.
Oh sure, these guys might have really valid reasons for their odd (to me anyway) behaviour. Dreamy Eyes might just like throwing out compliments to make the world a better place, the no-show might be married (hence his erratic behaviour) and Mr Suddenly-Clammed-Up might have been struck down by a rare virus. I’m being frivolous here, of course, but do you also find that you end up making excuses for people when they’ve just been acting really badly?
Sometimes I think this is the curse of being a psychologist – you’re trained to understand people’s motivations and failings, to see that much of what we do is unconscious, not really our “fault”. And the danger then is that it’s hard to get really angry when someone treats you badly. Even worse, how do you get angry with someone you don’t even know? These are people who you have never met, and probably will never meet, and so there are all these floating feelings of rage and revenge (oops, that came out a bit harshly, feeling a tad unresolved, Luke?). I guess at the end of the day, you’ve got to decide on your boundaries and values and stick to them.
It’s my view, and this does make me seem a bit old fashioned, that a good follow-through counts for a lot – and that’s not the batsman kind for you cricket lovers out there (always thought leg before wicket was an erotic idea). By follow-through, I mean honouring your word, keeping a commitment, putting finger to keyboard for heaven’s sake. Is it so hard? Is this too much to ask? Well clearly it is and I’m sure there’s an Oprah show in this. He’s Just Playing, Idiot! could be the catchy title of the book being waved about by some impossibly handsome gay man on her show.
But to go back to my original question: do these men choose consciously or unconsciously to wreak havoc with my diary? If they consciously choose to play with me, then a pox on them. If it’s unconscious, then I can forgive them a little more easily. But really, get a therapist, get a life and get back to me!
Comments
1
I have been on some dating sites recently where I posted my ad and received many replies. You hit the nail on the head when you said how they compliment you but when you send them your contact information you get no response. It’s like the invitation to chat by phone or to meet up caused them to clam up. I was irritated by that but then it happened to me, I clamed up. Why?
This past friday evening I contacted a guy on one of the dating sites.The man was very attractive to my taste and was a dream. He mentioned how he wanted to meet me but the location was at a parking lot. I tried to get him to meet at a better location but we settled on the parking lot.
The next morning I woke up and realized what I had done and fear came over me. I was worried that I might get beaten up so I cancelled.
In conclusion I have to say that sometimes gay men clam up because of fear. Some fears that play in their mind can involve being beaten up by gay bashers, friends or family finding out about their sexuality or religious beliefs. There are many reasons out there.
FT
2
Dear FT
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this issue.
If I understand you well, you’re saying that while there are many reasons for gay men not following through with agreements to meet, one of the main ones is that they are afraid that they will be beaten up or exposed as gay to friends and family, with negative consequences.
I think this is definitely possible – and it confirms my belief that homophobia (fear of and aggression towards gay people) is still alive and well in the world. I also believe that men who are not fully accepting of their own sexuality, or who are trying to come to terms with it, will use internet sites because it feels like a safer and more anonymous way to explore gay issues and experiences. And because they are unsure they may easily back out of an arrangement, leaving you angry and upset. I am not sure if many people would use the site to commit crimes such as assault, but it is certainly possible and therefore wise to be quite careful.
Because I am a psychologist I also think there are deeper and more complicated reasons for people not honouring their agreements. Some people may have psychological or psychiatric problems which make them unreliable, unpredictable or even quite dangerous to be around. Some people may enjoy the “chase” of flirting and setting up dates but not actually follow through. Others like to be flattered and charmed and lose interest when they meet us. And then there are some people who need to be satisfied immediately and are not willing to really get to know a person over a period of time.
Because of all these reasons I feel it’s important to stick to some basic rules which will make internet dating safer, emotionally and physically. For example:
• don’t make internet dating your only way of meeting people – see it is an extra way to add on to your existing methods
• don’t take the internet, and the people who use it, too seriously – rather see it as a fun way to connect with different people without too many expectations
• make some rules for yourself and stick to them – for example if someone cancels once they don’t get a second chance, or if someone refuses to give any personal information, give them less of your effort and time
• try to meet in a safe and neutral space where you know you will be safe and you can always change your mind if you think they or the situation is dangerous
• make a commitment to being honest – everyone likes to present their best side to others but in the end, a relationship (if that is what you are looking for) will work best if it starts with reasonable amounts of honesty.So good luck with your internet journey and thank you for taking the time to write to the site.
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Luke is a gay man who trained as a psychologist. He describes himself as either a cynic who believes in love or a romantic who is deeply wary.
