The hardest thing I’ve ever done

You know that philosophical question: If there’s no one to hear a tree fall down, will it still make a noise when it does?”

Being alone in London feels like this question. You ask it over and over again in different variations: If I throw myself in front of this train, will the passengers in it feel my heart shatter?

If I stand here and pick my nose will anyone notice? If I cry in foetal position in my bathtub with no one knowing or hearing me, am I really sad?

I came to London with straight friends. My best friends: but they’re straight or what I like to call sapphically impaired (because no one is really straight). For them to waste their hard-earned cash taking me to a lesbian club is just silly. They did it anyway because they love me. Once.

That was the dream. To make London mine, to make Soho my playground and the lesbians in it my playmates. I had been reading Diva magazine since I was 19. I read about lesbian scrabble clubs, soccer clubs, lesbian speed dating, lesbian S&M clubs, only-womyn bars that were open every night of the week. Life was happening there without me. I had to be there. Seven months before I left, I met The One, my soul mate, the most perfect beautiful woman I ever (and will ever) meet.

So Fuck. She knew I was going and she would never have stopped me, but saying good bye was the hardest thing I have ever done. It was harder than apologising to the bookshop lady for stealing a plastic smurf when I was four. We agreed we would have fun but remain true to each other in our hearts or some bullshit like that. And I am. I can’t be with anyone in London. The thought of someone else makes me ill. But she’s managed and it tears me apart. I’m not meeting girls, my London dream seems out of reach even in London and the love of my life is on some fuck fest. And now I’m alone.

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