The parents’ sex quiz

1. When I say the word breasts, the first thing that springs to mind is:
a. Playboy bunnies
b. KFC
c. Nipple cream

2. Your current underwear drawer is:
a. packed with saucy knickers
b. empty, because I haven’t had time to do laundry in weeks
c. full of incredibly large and scary, yet comfortable, undies

3. The last time you used the word penis was:
a. during last night’s sex romp, preceded by the words “Fill me with your huge”
b. in response to your child’s very loud question in a crowded public space
c. to ask your partner if they’d remembered to point it down inside the nappy

4. Your thoughts on foreplay:
a. I like it tantric. The more foreplay the better
b. Foreplay? More like four minutes!
c. Sleep is good

5. When was the last time you shared your bed with more than one person?
a. I had a few ménage a trios in my student days
b. Every bloody morning
c. No, there’s just the two of us, my husband sleeps in the spare room

IF YOU ANSWERED MOSTLY As:
You are not a parent. Why are you wasting time doing this quiz, you should be enjoying your libido while it lasts. Go! Go!

IF YOU ANSWERED MOSTLY Bs:
You’re an old hand at this parenting thing, and have learnt how to make the most of the few spare moments you and your partner have alone. But don’t worry, pretty soon your child will be a teenager and there’ll be LOADS of sex going on in your house again.

IF YOU ANSWERED MOSTLY Cs:
Congratulations on your new baby! Don’t worry, it’s highly unlikely you’ll ever get a chance to make another one.