Three in the bed

One of my favourite quotes ever is from Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps, the cult British comedy. “And then she said: ‘Do you think this bed is big enough for three of us?’ and I thought ‘SCENE’! And then she told me she was preggers.”

Its one thing when the small person in bed is your very own small person, flesh of your loins, so to speak, and another thing entirely when that person is simply, well…flesh digging into your loins.

Case in point: my dear friend, let’s call him Tony, because that’s not his real name. Now Tony is terribly fond of his girlfriend Miranda, and her three-year-old son Ben. He loves taking Ben to the park, occasionally fetches him from school, and likes to play with his train set even more than Ben does.

One morning, Tony and Miranda had reached that stage in the relationship where Tony was actually allowed to sleep over. This was serious. And then…
“I felt this warm pressure against my groin. It felt good. I moved against it slightly, and it didn’t seem to complain, and I started anticipating some early morning action. I was about to groan with pleasure and wrap my arms around Miranda when it gave a good hard kick…”

And so Tony discovered the joys of toddlers in bed. And wrote the following rules for the wise:

1. ALWAYS WEAR UNDERWEAR in order to avoid feeling like a pervert.
2. CALMLY AND QUIETLY REQUEST that the parent of the small child lie in the middle of the bed
3. CRADLE YOUR MANHOOD PROTECTIVELY at all times. You never know when the next strike may occur.
4. NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION
The other day Miranda gave me the footnote to this story. She woke up early and climbed out of bed. Looking back, she saw Tony in a foetal position, clutching his balls protectively, while Ben sprawled elegantly over two thirds of the bed.

“It’s obvious,” she said, “who the real man in my life is!”