Your Gay Best Friend
Gabriel St Claire, gives advice on life, love and lust.
To come out or not to come out, that is the question
Dear Gabriel
I’m a gay man in my 30s. I had one partner for 12 years until he died of a heart attack. I couldn’t really date for a couple of years, then I found it quite hard to find someone. I suppose I’m the kind that likes to settle with someone.
Finally, I have met someone. I really like him. He’s a lawyer. He’s fairly recently divorced and has two teenage kids. The only trouble is that we’ve been dating now for a couple of years and he still hasn’t come out to his kids.
Now ... I suppose I do understand this. But they go off for weekends and holidays to a family cottage. And at Christmas, I get stuck at home with the microwave turkey meal, while he does the happy celebration with the kids, and sometimes even the ex. I haven’t even seen the children. If I suggest anything about them, he bites my head off.
For his birthday I gave him a book about a US senator that came out to his family. He never said a word about it. He just said thank you. What do you think I should do? Maybe I should be patient. But then, I’m not getting any younger.
Peter
Dear Peter
I understand that, for him to come out means a major upheaval in his world – not to mention a massive shift in his identity, reputation and social status (yes even today being gay is “less than” in the eyes of some people). But I don’t think this is a healthy situation for you.
Frankly, he’s having his cake and eating it (and perhaps other unmentionable things too!) and I’m wondering what’s in this for you.
Of course you must be getting something, otherwise you wouldn’t be there. You are clearly the marrying type and you like stability and the reassurance of coming home to someone. Nothing wrong with that. But it’s coming at a price – and honestly you don’t even have the stability and reassurance you want.
Sometimes, when we want something badly, we end up putting our own needs aside. I think it’s time to take stock and make a list of what you really want in a relationship.
If he can’t give you your minimum, and you give him a reasonable time frame in which to achieve it, move on. You deserve, as we all do, another shot at happiness. Besides, being single isn’t bad and you might just find a chance to explore things you’ve only dreamt about!
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Ask your gay best friend for help on anything at all. Gabriel's tart but not unkind, and he's impossible to shock. He may not be an aunt, but he's used to agony. And the fact that he's a shrink doesn't harm.
