To each his own

Dear Gabriel

The recent death of a well known actor and writer of an AIDS related illness made me think about how I would write about HIV in a work I am planning. It appears that he waited until he was gravely ill to disclose that he was HIV positive, even to people really close to him, and died about a week later. I also read that he had been on anti HIV drugs for some time but had opted to go off them because of their side effects. Can you explain, if possible, why someone would only reveal their HIV result at the end of their life? I thought that stigma and prejudice had just about disappeared, especially in the theatre world for heaven’s sake.

Thanks

Andile

Hi Andile

Great question, thanks. Stigma is a funny thing, and perhaps difficult to completely understand or explain. Much like homophobia, just when you think the world (well parts of it anyway) is ok about homosexuality, up pops hatred and animosity. Similarly, fear of HIV and the attendant judgement and exclusion that stems from this, seems to be really resistant to common sense or a sense of fairness. So rejection is still a reality today, and this could inform someone’s desire to keep their HIV diagnosis a secret.

But what is even trickier is that people who are living with HIV, even when they may have never experienced overt discrimination – or even revealed their HIV status to anyone – might have internalised the shame and blame associated with HIV. In anticipating rejection they might withdraw so that no hurt is possible. Of course what they often end up doing is cutting themselves off from sources of support, thereby confirming an unconscious belief that they are unloveable.

This is a no win situation – the more isolated a person becomes, the less accessible they become to those who might support them, and the more they then feel unworthy and cut off, and the more they retreat.

Another angle to be considered is that when we withhold information about ourselves the more we control what people know and think about us. This allows us to define ourselves in certain ways which are comfortable for us – even in 2009 an HIV positive person can feel as if their identity is in some way polluted or spoiled. Who wouldn’t want to avoid this? The sidelong glances, the subtle avoidance, the over-compensation can all be very overwhelming to deal with, and it’s so hard to judge someone for being private about an HIV diagnosis.

This said, support is often out there, and as you say the theatre world is a place where it is acceptable to be different. But we’re strange creatures, and we “do” death and disease in ways which work for us – some people can cope with a life of medication and strategic disclosures, others choose to get out when they can. To each his own I say.

All the best

Gabriel
If you want to ask Gabriel a question about your fictional character please contact him on