What lies beneath

So do you think it’s ok to have secrets or should we all be an open book? The book of me would be War and Peace – I’m never quite satisfied with any particular state and my life is a rollercoaster of calmness followed by turmoil. This question came to me when I finally finished reading Philip Roth’s Exit Ghost. One of the main story lines is the desire of the ageing writer protagonist to protect the reputation of a now dead literary icon he once worshipped. A young and aspiring writer hopes to reveal that this icon had an incestuous relationship with his sister when they were both in their teens.  On the one hand there is the argument that the literary world deserves to know that this giant of letters had feet of clay, on the other the ageing writer asserts that it’s the literary output he should be judged on.

Apart from the fact that Roth is obviously making a case for his own skeletons to be left firmly in their closet, I think the matter of secrets is a fascinating one. I’ve definitely got some things I don’t want to come out – though coming out as gay when I was 19 was one of the best decisions I ever made. Look I was pretty obviously gay and the fact that I was a rather androgynous being had already made me a subject of speculation and rumour for many years. Hang even I wasn’t sure of my own gender at times – with my curls and petite frame I sometimes looked in the mirror and wondered who that person was. Increasingly I think male/female as an either/or option – along with the restrictions society imposes on us – is an unhelpful way to frame this amazing journey called “being human”.

But I digress – so what were some of the things I would cringe about if they came out now? Once I borrowed these billowing, gauzy, orange pants from my sister and wore them to a club. I remember having some corduroy jeans tailored so tight they looked like they’d been sprayed on (note to self: check if you can you get brown corduroy spray). As a teenager I read my sister’s diary (this was while I was looking for some of her underwear to try on – it was for the sensuality ok!). Of course I played the doctor/nurse thing with a schoolmate – it’s amazing how thorough these medical examinations can get. Never felt the same way about stethoscope’s since.

Once, a man who was subsequently convicted of paedophilia, came very close, as it were, to molesting me. The scary thing is that as a thirteen year old who was becoming aware of his gay sexuality I really wanted something to happen. I guess I’ve done other things in the sexual and relationship arena which I’m not proud of – but if I judge myself too harshly, how can I expect the compassion and understanding of others?

So should we know these things about each other when we start a new relationship? Frankly, I don’t think so. These darker aspects of our lives may have made us the complex adults we have become, and even enriched us, but does my new boyfriend really need to know I once went to a theme party as Madonna? You will of course have noticed the gender bending thread that runs through this blog. I’m not ashamed of my androgyny – in fact I embrace it, along with my masculinity – but I prefer to be seen now for who I’ve become, rather than what I was. Of course incest is just a bit further down the road of darkness than a bit of cross dressing – and perhaps I wouldn’t be as frank about it as I have been about my other exploits. Would this damage me or make me a bad person? I guess the jury is out on this. But at the end of the day, Jeffrey Dahmer style psychopathy aside, we’re all doing the best we can. Shouldn’t we honour this in each other?