Why do we deal with loss differently?

Dear Jo,
I read your response to Sally in your last column. It also helped me a lot. My husband and I divorced after we suffered a loss. I was relieved to see that I wasn’t alone, and that I didn’t fail in some way.

I was just interested to know why we sometimes respond to grief in such different ways. I think it’ll help me understand why my husband and I were pulled apart rather than together. I think that will help me come to terms with what ended up being a double loss.
Birgit

Dear Birgit,
I am sorry for your double loss. But I am glad my response to Sally helped you. You are certainly not alone. And you definitely did not fail. As I said last time, grief can be one of the hardest obstacles for any relationship to face.

Let me try to explain a little about the reasons we face grief in such different ways. I hope it will help you come to terms with the breakdown of your marriage and reach closure.

There are various reasons for our different responses to loss. Our coping mechanisms and survival strategies play a role.

Some people withdraw from society, while others might devote their time to community projects or campaigns (such as road safety issues if their child was killed in a motor accident).
Many people use work as an escape mechanism and tend to invest most of their energy in the workplace. This helps them to put their pain aside for that period. Still other people might try to numb themselves or drown their feelings in alcohol or drugs. 

Other aspects include age, gender, belief system and personality. What we believe in and the kind of people we are will clearly have an impact on how we react.

For example, if you believe in God and life after death you are likely to have very different reactions from someone who does not. Many people find comfort in the idea that the child is now in a better place or is with God, and that sometimes makes the loss more bearable for them.

Other people will find solace in other ideas, because these underlying belief systems help us make sense of the world and the encounters we have.

At the same time, generations differ. Older generations were often taught to be stoical, while younger people tend to be a little more comfortable expressing their feelings. And we know that men and women often react differently to all kinds of emotional experiences.

The reasons for these differences are partially embedded in the social messages that we receive as children. Even though this is a generalisation, many boy children still get the message that only “sissies” cry and that “big boys” (who might be two or three years old!) should not be “weak”.

Our response is also shaped by experiences you both had within your family and community while we were growing up.

For instance, if you grew up in a family where nobody spoke about loss, you might find it very hard to feel it’s okay for you to do so as an adult. On the other hand you might have seen your parent being shattered by a loss and becoming so depressed that you felt you had to look after them instead of the other way around.

Adults may believe that children are “too young” unable to understand the concept of loss, and therefore never explain it to their children. Some parents also feel that they want to “protect their children from the pain”

While this idea comes from a very caring place, unfortunately it is not in the best interests of the child. Parents do the best they can, so we should not judge them when they don’t know how to handle certain situations.

The support network that is available (or not) to us is another factor. The more people we can share our pain with, the better we are able to cope. If we feel that we have to bottle our grief up or hide it from others, it overwhelms us even more. That is why support groups for parents who have lost children can play a very important role in the healing process.

Frequently parents who have been through such a trauma feel that others just do not understand what they are going through. And to a very large extent they are right.

Sharing this with people in similar situations can normalise our feelings and help us make sense of what we are going through. Even those who feel they cannot reach out or don’t want to reveal their pain to other people, are likely to experience relief when they choose to do so. 

The number of losses we may have suffered in our lives further complicates the picture, as the current loss is likely to evoke feelings, memories and sometimes unresolved issues from previous losses.

These losses don’t need to be someone’s death. Losing friendships, for example when you or your friends move to another town or country, the loss of a job, losing a pet – all these experiences can compound your mourning.

The type of death and the circumstances surrounding it are also important.. With a terminal illness, there is some time to prepare yourself, but witnessing your child’s suffering over a prolonged period is so unbearable.

The sudden death of a child through an accident, murder or suicide all have their own particular dynamics and trauma. This doesn’t mean that we can compare them and say that one is “worse” or “better” than the other – the loss of a child is devastating, no matter what the cause.

We should never expect to follow a specific, set pattern for grief. Neither should we worry if we seem out of step with our partner or with other grieving parents. There are different stages of grief and these never follow a predictable pattern.

You haven’t given me any details about your situation, so I hope my explanation has helped you. Feel free to write in again if you’d like more information.

If you and your ex-husband would like to get closure about the loss of your relationship, I would recommend going for Imago Relationship Therapy.

This approach has a wonderful “good-bye” process that has helped many couples come to terms with this in a very meaningful way. Even if your ex-husband does not want to attend therapy with you, you can come on your own and still do the good-bye process.